DISCLAIMER: If you have EVER fucked a turkey OR stuck your dick into a piping hot bowl of stuffing, this post is NOT for you. Cheers!
Newsletter Update: I don’t really have much to say here other than…HAPPY HOLIDAYS! This will very likely be my LAST post of December, so y’all better enjoy the SHIT out of this post, or ELSE I am NEVER writing anything EVER AGAIN!
NOW…WHERE WERE WE…
Ah yes,
HOLIDAY DINNERS SUCK! 🤬🤬🤬
There, I said it! It doesn’t matter if it’s Thanksgiving Dinner, Christmas Dinner, OR Easter Dinner — THEY ALL SUCK! 😤
THANKFULLY, I think I can fix this problem. But before we get to that (!!!), we have some things to discuss first…(i.e. let me rant real quick)
You see, HOLIDAY DINNERS are, subjectively speaking, the WORST SHIT EVER. LIKE…I would even go as far as to say that “HOLIDAY DINNERS” are worse than…IDK…getting shot? (I’ve been shot before, so I would know). They’re truly THAT AWFUL! And, the more I think about it, HOLIDAY DINNERS kind of RUIN some holidays for me??? Like, I won’t even lie, Thanksgiving and Easter are my LEAST favourite holidays because they almost entirely revolve around hanging out with your family and eating a “holiday dinner”. TRASH! THANK GOD Christmas has GIFTS — otherwise, it would be sitting comfortably next to Thanksgiving and Easter in the “Bottom 3 Holidays” list I have yet to create…🤦🏼♂️🤦🏼♂️🤦🏼♂️
Now, I’m sure you guys maaaaaaayyyyy be wondering why I think HOLIDAY DINNERS ARE THE “WORST SHIT EVER”.
Let me explain…💅🏻💅🏻💅🏻
“WHY HOLIDAY DINNERS SUCK”, By Jared L. Oviatt
Generally speaking, HOLIDAY DINNERS ARE…
VISUALLY UNAPPEALING
NOT EVEN THE “BEST” OR “MOST TASTY” FOOD AVAILABLE
*MOSTLY* (ENTIRELY) ROOTED IN SOME FUCKED UP SHIT (MURDER)
“AHEM”, followed by a loud, dry cough (x4)
Now, even though I do make some great points if I do say so myself 💅🏻😮💨, I’m sure a lot of you would still take a bullet for your fave holiday dinner if it came down to it. And…I guess that’s fair??? Like, sure. I get it. Holiday dinners are basically the only thing keeping some people going during the holidays. HOWEVER (!!!), seeing as though I’m not a giant fucking loser, I think you guys should hear me out even if you are a certified turkey fucker (the holiday equivalent of a chuckle fucker)…
Chuckle Fucker: This is a [person] who has sex with [people] who are funny. Like comedians, comedic actors, and/or improvers.
SO…WITHOUT FURTHER ADO…LET’S DIVE INTO THE DEEP END…
Starting with the first two (2)…
VISUALLY UNAPPEALING
NOT EVEN THE “BEST” OR “MOST TASTY” FOOD AVAILABLE
I’m not sure when this whole, ummm, idea (???) came to me, but I feel like it was some time around…IDK…American Thanksgiving??? Maybe I’m crazy (I probably am), but the conversation around American Thanksgiving and “Thanksgiving Dinners” this year felt very…potent??? (Is that even the right word? Who cares.). Anyways, this potent (???) conversation led me to a deep, yet simple thought: “Why are people OBSESSED with Thanksgiving dinner and just like…holiday dinners in general?”…
For starters, the food ALWAYS looks…uhhh…fucking GROSS???? LIKE…you’re really trying to tell me that TURKEY, HAM, MASHED POTATOES, CORN (???), AND UHHH…OTHER GROSS SHIT IS THE BEST WE COULD COME UP WITH? I MEAN…COME ON PEOPLE! WE CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS! There are literally THOUSANDS of better meals available to the masses!
Side Note: If you haven’t read In Pursuit Of The Perfect Chicken Strips, Vol. 1, I would suggest that you go back and read that to understand that I am one of if not THE pickiest eaters alive. So (!!!), by default, that means I’m legally allowed to critique food in the harshest way possible.
Anyways, every single year the SAME people have the AUDACITY to brag about their holiday dinner as if Martha Stewart just conjured up a fresh batch of securities fraud??? It’s literally INSANE! And, uh, unfortunately, the bragging doesn’t just stop there — literally HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF THOSE DWEEBS decide to post pictures of their “scrumptious little meals” on the timeline like…actual serial killers??? LIKE…do they expect their followers to go goo goo gah gah over a dick-stuffed turkey and some bangers and mash or something?!?! It’s literally INSANE (AGAIN)! Also, like…WHY are they posting that??? NOBODY CARES about your HOLIDAY DINNER, RACHEL!
IDK…it’s just so crazy to me…like, I swear people just try to include every “classic” (“classic”, as in shitty) food on their plate at ONCE??? And for what??? NOBODY is rushing you! LIKE…can you IMAGINE a Gordon Ramsay type coming across a “plate pic” on the TL? I just know someone like him would be calling for a second 9/11 on a good 99% of those bad boys…
LOOK AT THESE! ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT!
SO (!!!), from here on out, every person that posts a “plate” pic on the TL will be receiving a personalized drone strike from ME, MYSELF, AND I! We must stop this madness IMMEDIATELY! There is no good reason why someone should feel inclined to brag about their holiday dinner, let alone post photo evidence of it…
Also (!!!), um, if you’re reading this like, “You’re just picky, Jared! Let people enjoy their meals!”, I would strongly suggest you reference the SLEW of “Jared-agreeers” below…
SEE (!!!), I am not the only one who is a Certified Hater™! (If you were a Jared-Agreeer pre-evidence dump, I guess we’re just best friends now).
MOVING ON…
*MOSTLY* (ENTIRELY) ROOTED IN SOME FUCKED UP SHIT
Now, if you weren’t already aware, holiday dinners have a…uhhh…sketchy past. LIKE…those god damn pilgrims (aka colonizers and murderers) more or less started the “tradition” of eating Turkey during holiday dinners (among other things). I MEAN…OF COURSE IT’S ALL THEIR FAULT! Now a WHOPPING 88% of American households eat some form of Turkey variant for Thanksgiving??? Which, if you ask me, is TERRIBLE (!!!) because Turkey SUCKS ACTUAL DICK! (I couldn’t find any Turkey-related stats for Christmas AND Easter specifically, sadly. BUT…I think it’s safe to assume that those British fucks (pre-Love Island) are the main reason why Turkey (and other gross shit) is consumed during the holidays). Fuck you, Christopher Columbus!
🤬😤😡🤬😤😡🤬😤😡🤬😤😡🤬😤😡🤬😤😡🤬😤😡🤬😤😡🤬😤😡🤬😤😡
ANYWAYS, as I said earlier, this CAN BE FIXED! But, uh…
WE NEED A SOLUTION TO THIS MADNESS! 😩
LIKE…for example…perhaps we could all agree on a NEW set of foods that aren’t disgusting and linked to those cheeky Brits, yeah???
FOR EXAMPLE, KFC is (apparently) a Christmas tradition in many households in Japan (according to Wikipedia lol)??? IDK about you guys, but…UMMM…THAT FUCKING RULES! I can guarantee you that a plate full of KFC looks SIGNIFICANTLY better than a plate of Turkey, corn, and other gross shit that those killers deemed as “GOOD FOOD”. And, given the fact that North America is BASICALLY the fast-food capital of the WORLD, I don’t see why our holiday dinners can’t look something like…IDK…this scene from Talladega Nights?...
Truly nothing better than some Dominoes, KFC, Taco Bell, Powerade, Mountain Dew, Coca-Cola, and NASCAR, baby!
But…uhhh…while I’d love for all of us to be living as lavishly as Ricky Bobby, I think we can still do better a bit better. Soooooo…going forward, this will be our criteria for some NEW & IMPROVED HOLIDAY MEALS:
VISUALLY APPEALING
GOOD & TASTY
*HOPEFULLY* NOT ASSOCIATED WITH UHHH…MURDER
Now…uhhh…time to fix this shit!
12 NEW & IMPROVED Meals That Can Replace Your Disgusting-Looking Holiday Dinners This Holiday Season™…
1. Toast & Butter – “The Timeless Classic”
When it comes to a “timeless” meal, nothing really beats the toast + butter combo. And…uhhh…even though some of you may not consider this deadly combo to be a “meal”, I would say “think again”. Butter is like the appetizer, and toast is like…the main course. A true 2-parter if you will…
ALSO…this shit literally takes like…IDK (???)…3 minutes MAXIMUM (???) to make??? Just think of the time you will save — no more full-day cooking required HERE! And (!!!), I can assure you that not a living, breathing SOUL would make fun of you for tossing a toast + butter pic on your IG story. LIKE…toast + butter is, OBJECTIVELY SPEAKING, a very clean and simple-looking meal — which is what we’re going for here.
VISUALLY APPEALING = ✅
GOOD & TASTY = ✅
NOT ASSOCIATED WITH UHHH…MURDER = ✅
2. Pizza Hut’s Triple Treat Box – “For The Whole Family, Unless You’re Celiac or Lactose Intolerant ”
I promise you this is NOT AN AD! But trust me, I wish it was.
Like that scene from Talladega Nights, the Triple Treat Box (TTB) is for the whole family — INCLUDING your war vet grandpa. FUCK YEAH! Will this shit cause a heart attack? Maybe. Will it also cost upwards of $30? Likely. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Unless you’re celiac or are severely lactose intolerant…this is the perfect meal for just about ANY family. And if you ARE celiac or severely lactose intolerant, I would suggest that you grow up.
VISUALLY APPEALING = ✅
GOOD & TASTY = ✅
NOT ASSOCIATED WITH UHHH…MURDER = ✅
3. Genuine US War Fighter Rations – “Salute The Troops”
So, uhhhh, you probably didn’t see this one coming…did you? WELL…I have a secret for all of you — these rations are FIRE (I’ve never tried them). Not only are they visually appealing, but they’re guaranteed to give you some INCREDIBLE results in terms of “performance”! LIKE…if this shit is MADE for the troops…it better make you feel like you’re on horse tranquillizer 24/7!
And, like…sure, “Genuine US War Fighter Rations” may not be everyone’s first choice in terms of a “good & tasty meal”. But I promise you, there is no better way to honour our fallen soldiers than risking your life eating the same meals they did…or still do…if they’re alive, that is.
VISUALLY APPEALING = ✅
GOOD & TASTY = ✅
NOT ASSOCIATED WITH UHHH…MURDER = ❌
4. Water – “The Ultra Optimist”
What better way to show that you’re a “glass half full kind of guy” than a nice, full glass of water. Is it the most nutritious thing ever? No. But I can promise you that a good ol’ glass of water will do the trick in terms of making sure you’re not a thirsty ass bitch on the TL this holiday season. And…I mean…you can’t get much more visually appealing than a LITERAL glass of water. You can basically see right through this shit??? PLUS (!!!), if you share a pic of some water on your TL, people will think you’re a hot ass MF — because hot people drink water, apparently. Happy sipping!
VISUALLY APPEALING = ✅
GOOD & TASTY = ✅
NOT ASSOCIATED WITH UHHH…MURDER = ✅
5. Pre-Workout – “Flex On Your Family”
Nothing says “I can bench more than my dying grandfather” than eating pre-workout by the bowl at your holiday dinner!
Unfortunately, like water, I’m not sure how well this will fill you up in the long run. LIKE…uhhh…I literally don’t even know WHAT pre-workout is. And that’s because I’m not a loser. But I’d like to think that it WOULD *hopefully* do the job for a few hours if you feel like having a bench press competition at the family function.
HOWEVERRRR…since I’m unfamiliar with “C4” as a brand…this pre-workout could very well be the explosive device known by the same name! But…uhhh…for our sake, let’s hope not! Unless you want your grandma’s kitchen to look like a scene from The Hurt Locker…
VISUALLY APPEALING = ✅
GOOD & TASTY = ✅
NOT ASSOCIATED WITH UHHH…MURDER = ❌
6. A Presidential Feast – “The Heart Attack”
What in the…Talladega Nights??? No matter what I try, this picture is burned DEEP into my brain. Like…what an INSANE feast! It’s literally just the most diabolical villain shit you could imagine all in ONE place!
Then again, as much as I knock on this actual insanity that is called a “holiday dinner”, I would like to point out that, from a visual standpoint, this feast is head and shoulders above ANY holiday dinner I have ever seen. So, uh, that’s a plus…I guess.
VISUALLY APPEALING = ✅
GOOD & TASTY = ✅
NOT ASSOCIATED WITH UHHH…MURDER = ❌ (more crimes than just murder, probably)
7. The Saweetie Meal – “Not The Travis Scott Meal”
I’m not going to lie here; I don’t even know WHAT the “Saweetie Meal” even is. LIKE…what is DIFFERENT about it? What makes the Saweetie meal different from IDK…the #4 combo??
Either way, that’s not REALLY that important because, from a visual standpoint, this is one SEXY meal. Now, is this meal just some marketing bs? Absolutely. But (!!!), I am 100% ok with that because Saweetie didn’t slaughter 10+ people like her McDonald’s celeb meal counterpart — which makes this option even better for you AND your family!
Although…uhhh…I can’t see how well this will go over with the 60+ crowd…
“What is a Saweetie?????”
VISUALLY APPEALING = ✅
GOOD & TASTY = ✅
NOT ASSOCIATED WITH UHHH…MURDER = ✅
8. Gun Powder – “Poor Man’s Caviar”
If there is one thing *many* Americans love, it’s their guns. And even though this isn’t supposed to be a STRICTLY American-leaning list, I think gun powder could be the gift that just keeps on giving this holiday dinner season!
IDK if it’s just a “me thing”, but gun powder bears a…uhhh…striking resemblance to caviar (if you squint REALLY FUCKING HARD). Am I right or am I WRONG? Either way, even if gun powder DOES kind of look like caviar post-squint sesh, I can’t see it being as nutritious OR delicious as caviar most likely is…
VISUALLY APPEALING = ✅
GOOD & TASTY = 🚩 (probably not)
NOT ASSOCIATED WITH UHHH…MURDER = ❌
9. The Chase Hudson Meal – “Lil Huddy > Chase Hudson”
I don’t think it should be surprising to ANYONE that I’m recommending Chase Hudson’s (aka Lil Huddy) Burger King “Keep It Real Meal” this holiday dinner season. I am…low key a fan...(I did praise Chase in Let's Get This Party Started). As much as I love to hate on every other TikToker, Chase has carved out a nice little music career for himself that doesn’t TOTALLY suck. So, uh, it wouldn’t be a crime to roll on over to a BK and ask for Chase’s nuts in your mouth…or whatever the kids are saying these days…
VISUALLY APPEALING = ✅
GOOD & TASTY = ✅
NOT ASSOCIATED WITH UHHH…MURDER = ✅
10. Cigarettes – “Hot People ONLY”
Honestly…you guys should’ve seen this one coming. BUT…here is the thing: you and your family can ONLY smoke cigarettes for your holiday dinner if you’re all HOT! Otherwise, it’s just like…a super uncool hangout. And that’s NOT cool OR HOT!
(I LITERALLY make the rules here, SORRY!)…
Anyways, from what I hear, Camel Blues are like candy. So, uh, maybe this isn’t the most nutritious meal??? But…like…what better way to celebrate the holidays than chain-smoking with your 4-year-old cousin? Start ‘em early, as they say!
VISUALLY APPEALING = ✅
GOOD & TASTY = ✅
NOT ASSOCIATED WITH UHHH…MURDER = ❌
11. Subway’s Giant Sub – “36 Inches Of Happiness”
Seeing as though my legal first name is JARED, I think it’s awfully problematic of me to be recommending ANY sub of ANY kind — let alone one from Subway…
But, um, regardless of that…uhhh…unfortunate fact, I CAN promise you that this RIDICULOUS sub will get you hella bitches in your DMs this holiday dinner season. Because trust me dawg, size DOES matter…even if you’re eating this 36-inch BEAST with your family…
VISUALLY APPEALING = ✅
GOOD & TASTY = ✅
NOT ASSOCIATED WITH UHHH…MURDER = ❌ (other crimes, for sure)
12. A Cake Boss…Cake? – “Fondant Overdose”
LAST BUT NOT LEAST…
LIKE I’VE BEEN SAYING, the usual thanksgiving food options MOSTLY SUCK because of their horrific visual appeal…and because the food tastes like ass. But a “Cake Boss Cake” that combines every element of gambling into it??? I can FUCK with that! Although, uh, maybe go with a different theme than the one pictured above — especially if your family has anywhere near 12-15 gambling addicts. (BUT…if your family only has 11 gambling addicts, you’re in the clear). Just make sure not to OD on fondant. Cheers!
VISUALLY APPEALING = ✅
GOOD & TASTY = ✅
NOT ASSOCIATED WITH UHHH…MURDER = ✅
[BONUS] 13. COVID-19 Booster Shot – “Triple Penetration”
Our boy, aka Omicron, is UPON US PEOPLE! And what better way to protect you, your family, and your Uber driver than getting just one more jab in your meaty little arms for the price of $0. But, uh, maybe ask for an oral option if this is your dinner — unless you’re a real freak like me, you’ll get this shit right up your pee hole. You know, like a MAN!
VISUALLY APPEALING = ✅
GOOD & TASTY = ✅
NOT ASSOCIATED WITH UHHH…MURDER = ✅
THAT IS ALL! As always, my editor is on vacation in Mykonos, so if NONE of this made sense, blame him! And please make good decisions this holiday season! LIKE…if your grandma starts whipping out the turkey pot, deliver her a swift kick to the head and say to her, “WE’RE EATING GUN POWDER THIS YEAR, GRANDMA!”.
xoxo
J.O.