Now that most of you have (hopefully) read my very long AND very important intro post, welcome to the real motherfucking SHOW! But first, I think I should point out that, by all accounts, I am a bad writer. I don’t even know what an adjective is for christ's sake! Who the fuck has time for that?! To be honest, I probably should’ve kept that tidbit to myself, but fuck it! (buttfuck it?)
Either way, you should ALL understand that I am VERY much so in over my head with this whole “writing” thing. If you’re an English major (i.e. a fucking dork), consider this your first and ONLY warning!
Anyways, as I said, welcome to the REAL motherfucking show, baby! I really have no idea how long this newsletter will last because frankly, I’m not sure how I feel about people judging my writing on a consistent basis. I’m all for hating on things, unless it’s me, of course.
And if all goes well, my friends, Brad Pitt (who happens to also be a friend of mine), and your favorite writer’s favorite writer will contribute whatever they can to Yeah Right: the newsletter. As much as I love hearing my own voice and re-reading my own thoughts, I think multiple perspectives will be beneficial to the success of this soon-to-been critically acclaimed newsletter. (It’s called manifestation, sweetie.)
Sorry for rambling. Party = started.
Today, we’re kicking things off with some discussion on Lil Huddy.
Last week, Lil Huddy (aka Chase Hudson and Charlie D’Amelio’s ex-boyfriend) released an album—Teenage Heartbreak. (The album title is a smidge too juvenile for me, but whatever. Lil Huddy was born in 2002. I can cut him some slack).
If you’ve never heard of Lil Huddy before, I deeply apologize for exposing this type of content to your no-longer-virgin eyes (unless you’re blind, in which case I revoke my apology). I’m actually pretty annoyed with myself for even writing about this on my FIRST newsletter post. How lame! Thankfully, Teenage Heartbreak isn’t NEARLY as bad as fellow Tiktoker-turned-musician Addison Rae’s attempt at creating “music”:
And now that I think about it, Addison’s attempt isn’t even the WORST example when it comes to the Tiktoker-turned-singer pipeline. As it turns out, Addison’s friend, and Lil Huddy’s ex-girlfriend’s sister—Dixie D’Amelio—created objectively some of the worst music I’ve ever heard:
As a F***BOY myself, Dixie could’ve done MUCH better. Boring. Bland. NEXT!
Perhaps Addison and Dixie could’ve outsourced help from Travis Barker (aka Kourtney Kardashian’s coolest boyfriend ever). It worked for Lil Huddy! Then again, Travis Barker could kickstart and/or revive anyone’s career at this point.
I’m rambling again. Sorry cunts (Aussie accent). Back to Teenage Heartbreak:
Is the album perfect? Fuckkkkk no! BUT, there are SOME hits on it. Here is my fave, which also happens to have a pretty cringey Project X-inspired music video:
Regardless of what I say, some of you will probably never listen to this shit. And you should be thankful I took the bullet for you (salute the fuckin’ troops). But who knows, maybe if your friends hate you as much as I do, they’ll make you listen to it as well. If this inevitably happens to you, get new friends…and maybe a better newsletter.
My point here is, maybe Tiktokers CAN make something semi-worthwhile if they have the proper help. And by proper help, I mean a bonafide rockstar who has, to this point, had a very successful music career in one of Y2K’s most popular bands. I hope you’re writing this down, ladies (Dixie and Addison).
*cough* NEXT!
Nicole Richie’s hair caught fire at her 40th birthday party this week. And somehow all I could think was “this b*tch is 40?!?”. To celebrate, I will be rewatching The Simple Life ASAP.
If you haven’t watched How To with John Wilson, this is your sign to spend your hard-earned cash on an HBO subscription right fucking NOW! Unless you’re a broke bitch, in which case I’m sure you can figure out a less-than-legal way to watch it. Even if you happen to be a broke bitch (or a rich fuck like me), I can promise you that How To with John Wilson is well worth your time and is certified ★★★★★ (5 stars, just in case you don’t know how to read stars).
I should warn you, John Wilson’s nasally voice and less-than-ordinary subject matter isn’t for everyone. As Wilson mentions in the trailer below, “It’s kind of like that show Planet Earth, uh, if it was only in New York, and uh, David Attenborough was forced to film everything himself”. If that sounds like something you’d enjoy, you can watch the Season 01 trailer below:
damn, we’re MOVING NOW!
Just when I thought things couldn’t get ANY worse, Fornite teamed up with Balenciaga—the prestigious fashion house with roots dating back to 1919.
At this point, I can’t say I’m all that surprised. Balenciaga had fashion mf’s™ by the balls in 2016. Balenciaga, as it exists in 2021, is clearly no stranger to being both cringe and incredibly lame.
Balenciaga Cringe History 101: Migos sporting Balenciaga’s worst creation ever—the Triple S.
As most of you SHOULD know by now, Lil Nas X released his debut album—MONTERO— this past week. I won’t lie, I have BARELY listened to the album. It’s honestly just not for me. And that’s called self-awareness, sweetie. BUT!!! I must (I MUST!) address Lil Nas X’s album rollout campaign. It’s easily one of the best I have ever seen in my VERY VERY long life. (22 is like, 87 in my books). There are very few occasions I will admit to being horny for a marketing campaign. MONTERO is one of those rare cases. This shit is fire, what can I say!
Almost every major artist in 2021 has embraced the “new album otw” strategy (cc: Drake). Thankfully, Lil Nas X clearly made use of every resource he could in what I imagine is a VERY lucrative record deal. I hope Columbia Records is paying this man BILLIONS! Because lord knows that bald bitch Bezos doesn’t deserve it.
If you’re blind (visually impaired) or just simply living in a bear cave (I don’t judge) you may be wondering what Lil Nas X ACTUALLY did to make this whole thing so special. Well, it’s probably easier if I just showed you. Shoutout substack for this crispy functionality. Hot damn!
MONTERO: The Baby
Lil Nas is pregnant…with…his…album? Imagine explaining that to your PTSD-ridden, war veteran grandpa. He would probably collapse and have the most violent aneurysm you’ve ever seen. Iconic shit, truly.
To top it all off, Lil Nas X managed to shoot the best birthing video (birthing video? IDK what that shit is called. I hate kids) I have ever seen—sorry ladies. Those bussy dilations just hit different these days!
I can’t help but cheer on Lil Nas X. He’s a true superstar. He even managed to bring Jaboukie back. Now that’s fucking talent!
That’s all for today! If you made it this far, I love you. I owe you my life (not legally speaking, unfortunately). And If you DIDN’T make it this far, you are now my greatest enemy and I hope you spill water on your mattress tonight. See you soon.
XOXO,
J.O.