In Pursuit of The Perfect Chicken Strips, Vol. 1
An important journey of self-reflection, "fine" dining, and extreme pickiness
DISCLAIMER: I make at LEAST three (3) shit-related comparisons throughout this post. Cheers!
Newsletter Update: I have…umm…QUICKLY realized that trying to release the Monday edition PLUS+++ (!!!) an additional…edition (?)…every 2 weeks is VERY unsustainable! So…uhh…for now, I am going to release this shit WHENEVER I feel like it. But probably every Monday…who knows!
NOW…WHERE WERE WE…😮💨😮💨😮💨
On December 21, 2012, I was LIKE…50% sure the world was going to end. What can I say, the whole “THE MAYAN CALENDAR IS ENDING!!! WE’RE GOING TO DIE!!!” thing was pretty convincing to my toddler-ass brain. But can you blame me? At that age, I would've believed literally ANYTHING that ANYONE said. Case and point: Marilyn Manson did NOT actually remove his ribcage to suck his own dick. That would’ve been COOL AS FUCK if it was TRUE, though. (ALSO…fuck Marilyn Manson). Anyways, as you are probably aware, the world didn’t end that day. And tbh, I’m kindaaaa pissed it DIDN’T—because if I took ANYTHING away from surviving the *potential* end of the world…it’s that, at the end of the day, very few things ACTUALLY matter! LIKE…your doomsday prep doesn’t mean SHIT if you randomly get murdered by a rogue Amazon delivery drone on a Tuesday afternoon.
But while I’d absolutely fucking LOVE to discuss the end of the world ALLLLLL motherfucking dayyyy, I do have a point to make…🤪🤪🤪
I am, by all accounts, an EXTREMELY picky eater. (I’m LIKE…99% sure I have an ACTUAL eating disorder (AFRID)…but even if that IS THE CASE…I don’t really care enough to find out). See…I go to war with food, and the very process of eating, every MF DAY—which leads me to believe that maybe…just MAYBE…LITERALLY (!!!) EVERYTHING matters! LIKE…if you don’t eat properly…you’ll probably just…IDK…DIE! (And dying via malnutrition as opposed to the apocalypse/a rogue Amazon drone is pretty boring when it comes to dying a cool death). Shockingly, a BIG part of eating properly has to do with the food you actually do eat???? So weird, right?!? And in my case, that is very few things. I probably eat, in total…IDK…8 different foods???? I can’t even tell you the last time I had a fruit OR a vegetable—how am I alive??? IDK! BUT what I do know is that when one of those 8 foods is fucked up in some way, my entire eating experience, or even my entire DAY FOR THAT MATTER, can be ruined! SO…THAT is why, more often than not, I eat the same food again…and again…and AGAIN! And for me, that food so happens to be chicken strips/tenders/fingers.
In any given week, I consume chicken strips…IDK…4-7 times??? And to most of you, that probably sounds INSANE! I get that. Chicken strips, by design, are not made to be consumed THAT much—let alone by one man! GOD KNOWS what’s even in a chicken strip??? For all I know, I’ve been unknowingly consuming like…35 chicken testicles every week for the last 22 years. BUT (!!!) even if I secretly love the taste of some meaty chicken testicles, at least I have 7…ish other foods to fall back on—fries, cheese pizza, plain pasta w/ butter, chicken wings (aka as the derivative of chicken strips), the plainest subway sandwich ever (bacon, lettuce, and cheese…toasted ofc), and uhhhh…bagels? That’s kinda it…LOL!
See, eating is like…giving a rim job. It’s not necessarily my FAVORITEEEEE thing to do, but I’ll do it if I have to have to. The only difference is, ass probably tastes better than IDK…most foods? SORRY but…food is terrifying??? LIKE, you never REALLY know what you’re getting into! No food is “exactly” the same no matter WHAT you do—no two grapes, apples, etc., are the EXACT same. This element of…randomness (?) is probably the WORST part of it all. It’s ALWAYS a gamble. AND don’t even get me started on “NEW FOODS”. We’re talkin’ new SMELLS, textures, tastes, and consistencies?? FUCK THAT! That’s basically like choosing which gun I want to get shot with???
For example: I’ve never eaten a pickle. Eating a pickle would be like…getting shot in the face with a 50 caliber bullet (pictured below)—
IDK about you, but uhh…that shit would HURT really fucking bad??? Buuuut…on the other end of the spectrum, when I consume some JUICY, delicious chicken strips, it’s like being shot with…IDK…a water gun???? You see, one of these is things is enjoyable (water gun), and the other is not (50 caliber bullet).
This is the exact reason why I have consumed chicken strips like I’m competing for a world record for the better part of 22 years. Chicken strips are THEE (like the stallion) safe choice. They’re like a white t-shirt. You can’t really go wrong. But again, here is the thing with white t-shirts AND chicken strips—they’re not ALL the same! If a $1000 white t-shirt and a $5 Gildan shirt fit the same, the fashion industry would be in absolute shambles! And unless your multinational corporation has some INSANE quality-assurance standards, I would argue no two t-shirts are exactly the same either.
So…when it comes to chicken strips, it’s important to acknowledge that the same rules apply.
Despite what you may think, chicken strips are a very complex food. Literally SO many things factor into what makes a “GOOD” chicken strip, and what makes a “BAD” chicken strip. Are they breaded? Are they deep-fried? Are they oven-baked? Are they crispy? Are they soft? Are they big? Are they small? Are they hot? Are they cold? I could probably go on forever. As you can tell, I am a bit obsessive. You would be too if you ate the same thing for over 90% of your week.
THAT (!!!) is why I have a sort of mental checklist when I am evaluating chicken strips:
Strips & Tenders & Fingers 101
Crispy & Crunchy (but not so much that they break my teeth)
Ideal Shape: Roughly the same as a standard pickle (pickles are gross, btw)
NOT SOFT! AGAIN, CRISPY & CRUNCHY
Hot; not lukewarm
ABSOLUTELY NOT “chicken nuggets”
Location: Not every place makes good chicken strips, OK!
Now, I’m sure most of you are like…duh? Aren’t these what everyone looks for? Maybe, who knows! But trust me, I’ve seen some people eat some CRAZY shit—like we’re talkin’ the softest, most undercooked chicken strips on the planet. So FUCKING GROSS! However, as a man of EXTREME taste, I have something called STANDARDS 💅. To make a comparison, you wouldn’t eat your steak well-done if you wanted it bloody, would you? EXACTLY! OR…you wouldn’t eat ass if there was a fresh piece shit leaking out, would you? EXACTLY, AGAIN!
SIDE NOTE: CHICKEN NUGGETS AND CHICKEN STRIPS ARE NOT. THE. SAME! THEY ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SHAPES, TEXTURES, ETC! THERE. IS. A. DIFFERENCE! PLEASE STOP CALLING THEM THE SAME THING!!!!!
LOOK AT THESE PICTURES…ARE THESE THE SAME THING??? TELL ME I’M WRONG!!!
And oh my GOD, do NOT get me started on “chicken strips ALL taste the same!”. They DON’T, OK! I don’t know if I’m just the Gordon Ramsey of chicken strips or some shit, but I can tell you with confidence that they DO NOT taste the same. If I took a shit in your pasta sauce, your pasta sauce would objectively taste like shit, right? (Sorry for all of these shit-related examples, lol). So don’t go around telling me that soft, homemade chicken strips taste the EXACT same as some deep-fried, mass-produced Wendy’s chicken strips. THEY. JUST. DON’T! And if you’re too naive to understand that, you’re probably experiencing CTE from ramming your head into your pillow every night.
SO—and this is a big SO—from this point onward, I will be documenting every *noteworthy* chicken strip experience I have so you TOO can understand the MAGIC chicken strips really hold for someone like myself.
Scientifically speaking, chicken strips are keeping me ALIVE…
MY EXPERIENCE, VOL. 1
Location: Inglewood Drive-In (Calgary, Alberta)
Today, we’re kicking things off with Inglewood Drive-In. I go to this place at LEAST once a week. Because when it comes down to devouring some juicy chicken strips, consistency and quality are imperative. And when it comes to Inglewood Drive-In, consistency and quality are always a guarantee! (This is not an ad, but good god I wish it was!). Anyways, some people may be quick to dismiss this place as, well, sketchy-looking. And as an extremely picky eater, I 1000% understand your concerns. But places like Inglewood Drive-In exist for a reason. They often conjure up some of the best food on earth because they don’t have Ronald McDonald busting his nut in their batter every MF day! Either way, places like Inglewood Drive-In look like shit for a REASON—it’s not about what’s on the outside, it’s about what’s on the inside, baby!
Here are some VERY professional photos I took on my iPhone 11 Pro…
See…not one horny-ass CLOWN in sight! Just pure, homemade goodness!
NOW, BACK TO THE STRIPS…
See, when I talk about CRISPY & CRUNCHY, THIS IS what I’m talking about! The best part is, these crunchy boys are cooked fresh EVERY. SINGLE. TIME! I haven’t mentioned this yet, but I refuse to eat leftovers, or really even cold food for that matter. It’s just gross! So when a place such as Inglewood Drive-In cooks me some FRESH, CRUNCHY, WELL-SIZED strips without fail, I’m inclined to bust a few celebratory nuts every now and then. That’s just human nature, baby! And what better way to compliment the perfect strips than some WELL-COOKED crinkle-cut fries. I know…I know…crinkle-cut fries are pretty ass when it comes down to it. Like, I would argue they are a MID-TIER fry compared to the likes of waffle, curly, and standard cut. BUT…and this is a massive BUT…if they’re cooked to a nice golden brown (like these), they’re quite amazing!
OVERALL…this meal, in combination with a fountain coke (no ice, ofc)…PERFECTION! Like…this shit is basically cocaine on wheels! (I don’t actually do cocaine…yet). And that’s all I really have to say! I literally have ZERO complaints to make here! These sexy ass strips are pretty much as good as they get, which brings me to my RATING to a VERY HEALTHY…
Overall rating: 9/10
That’s all for this entry! But…expect many, MANY more entries into the “In Pursuit Of The Perfect Chicken Strips” series in the near future…
xoxo
J.O.