DISCLAIMER: If you think kink-shaming is MEAN…PLEASE don’t read this post. Kink-shaming is, objectively speaking, very funny. Cheers!
Newsletter Update: OK PEOPLE…it’s been a while…AGAIN! And for that, I’m SORRY! 😔 BUT fear not (!!!)…because I have some GREAT (?) news for those of you who love this newsletter more than your own family: I have ~unofficially~ decided to write SHORTER posts…which means I SHOULD be posting more often!
Will this ACTUALLY happen? Who knows. I guess you will all just have to wait and SEE…😈
NOW…WHERE WERE WE…
Do you sleep barefoot????🦶If the answer is YES, you might have a foot fetish 🤮🤦🏼♂️. And just in case you forgot how to read for a second, I’ll say it again: YOU MIGHT HAVE A FOOT FETISH — aka the worst kink of them ALL (there are actually far worse ones out there — like “the fetish of ripping off your dick” — but that’s not my point).
Now, I know that the possibility of having a foot fetish can be scary — and EXTREMELY embarrassing — but PLEASE…if you sleep barefoot, I need you to stay CALM! I repeat, STAY CALM!
You see, I have dedicated 23 years of my LIFE to developing the PERFECT SOLUTION to make sure that you barefoot sleepers aren’t kink-shamed until you’re 6-feet underground (and this solution is GUARANTEED to WORK…I PROMISE!).
The solution? SLEEPING WITH YOUR SOCKS ON! 🧦 It’s really THAT EASY, PEOPLE! Foot fetish…GONE! POOF! 💨 ABRACADABRA! 🪄
Sounds easy enough, RIGHT???? WRONG! Since most of you have decided to be ANNOYING (i.e. you sleep barefoot), I have to take time out of MY day to explain WHY sleeping with socks on is VERY normal, and why sleeping barefoot is the freakiest shit of all time. UGH! 😑
Let’s get into it…🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
See, for my ENTIRE life people have gone out of their way to tell me that sleeping with socks on is weird — and I never really understood why. The argument for sleeping with socks ON is FAR stronger than the argument for sleeping BAREFOOT??? LIKE…to me, sleeping with socks on is a given. It’s like popping in your 9-year-old retainer before you head to bed — you just HAVE TO! 💯💯💯
Now, for starters…uhhhh…why on earth would you want sweaty ass, dirty ass feet all up in your bedsheets? THAT’s just GROSS! I mean…unless you’re planning on giving your partner — or your sleep paralysis demon — a footjob in the middle of the night, your bare ass feet don’t need to be roaming free under your sheets! LIKE…this is what Google shows when looking up “feet” for Christ’s sake…
Pretty fucking gross if you ask me???? The bottom left? HELL. The bottom right? Stab me in the eye with a rusty knife, PLEASE! 🤦🏼♂️🤦🏼♂️🤦🏼♂️
LIKE…ummm…the fact that barefoot sleepers are WILLINGLY defending these things (bare feet) is weird as FUCK! 😬😬😬 And before you get all “But Jared!”…TRUST ME…I’ve heard it ALL! 😒
“My feet need to breathe”
“It’s too hot”
“I’m a little ass baby who can’t sleep with some cotton on my stupid little feet”
blah blah BLAH! SHUT UP! 🤬🤬🤬
Not to mention (!!!)…you’re basically BEGGING the weird pervert who lives under your bed to SUCK on your itty bitty toes like no TOMORROW while you’re in a deep slumber??? LIKE…talk about the WORST KIND of wet dream???? (You know, cause a mouth is wet…)
And don’t get me wrong, sleeping with your socks on CAN be gross. Like, for example, if you wore your “day” socks to sleep, that would be VERY gross. Those sweaty, unwashed pieces of cotton rubbing up against your sheets? That’s just a second 9/11 waiting to happen. LIKE…have you ever smelled the inside of a shoe that has been worn ALL day? GROSS (I have not done this, for the record).
Thankfully, this issue can be EASILY fixed by just tossing on a brand spanking new pair of socks while you’re ALREADY GETTING CHANGED to go to bed (unless you sleep in your jeans, you know, like a police officer).
PLUS++++ (!!!), when you Google “socks on feet”, you don’t want to stab your eyes out with a rusty knife…
SEE! SEXY AND CLEAN, baby! Maybe except for those weird toe socks…those are actually freaking me out. LIKE…if I actually saw someone wearing those in a public setting I would funnel Mountain Dew: Code Red directly into my anus in protest. 🍑🥤
Oh…and…uhhhh…do you want to know about the BEST part of this whole thing???? Sleeping with socks on is backed by the god damn mf National Sleep Foundation! How can you tell me I’m wrong NOW???? 🥱🥱🥱
💥💥💥 *grunt* x3 💥💥💥
According to the Big Homies™ at the National Sleep Foundation, here are some potential benefits of sleeping with socks on (as translated by me):
Signal your brain it’s time to sleep: This is like using your turning signal. In other words, choosing to sleep WITHOUT socks on is like choosing not to use your turning signal…which makes you kind of a cunt.
Prevent hot flashes: You know when a random hot person tries to flash you? That’s what this is. So…uhh…let's put those pesky serial flashers out BUSINESS, PEOPLE!
Improve cracked heels: Nobody likes cracked heels. Not even people who do crack. So, it’s a good idea to sleep with socks on so this doesn’t happen.
Increase potential orgasms: According to the BBC, researchers accidentally (????) discovered that wearing socks increased participants’ ability to achieve an orgasm by 30 percent (unless your name is Thomas or Samantha). In short: socks make you cum more (again, unless your name is Thomas or Samantha).
Decrease chance of Raynaud’s attack: IDK who Raynaud is, but he doesn’t sound like a nice guy. It’s probably a good idea to not let him attack so many people…
I mean…take these with a grain of salt (because I spent 32 seconds researching this)…but it’s pretty hard to ignore these FACTS, FOOT FETISHIZERS!!!!!! 🤧🤧🤧
💥💥💥 *grunt* x36 💥💥💥
NOW…UHHHH…as important as my (very correct) opinion is on this matter, I started to wonder if I am ALONE in this fight against barefoot sleepers (aka foot fetishizers).
So, to see if this was ACTUALLY the case, I asked the VERY fine followers of Yeah Right (on Instagram dot com) to share their thoughts…
🤨DO YOU SLEEP WITH SOCKS ON?🤨
SOOOO...ummmm…I don’t mean to alarm anyone…but as you can see, 74% (!!!) of respondents basically admitted to having a foot fetish???? LIKE…that’s SUPER fucked up if I’m being honest 😨😨😨. And not to mention (!!!) I am clearly SURROUNDED by WAY more barefoot freaks than I EVER could have imagined…YIKES!
HOWEVER (!!!), as troubling as this all is, not all hope is lost. You see, it’s important to acknowledge that these numbers only mean SO much in the grand scheme of things. I would argue that — since I am a world-renowned data scientist👨🏼🔬 — it’s MUCH more important to understand WHY people selected each option…because…well…it just is.
So…uhhh…let’s break it down…
WHY foot fetishizers sleep WITHOUT socks on:
Note: 14/23 respondents answered this question
“Feels funky”
“I’m not a sociopath”
“Uncomfy”
“Too warm”
“I need my feet to breathe”
“One less thing to take off when a random woman appears in my bed for sex”
“I’m not insane”
“So my feet can breathe”
“Because I’m not a psychopath”
“Cause no”
“My feet feel trapped and I enjoy the tactile feeling of the sheets”
“Any sensible person knows that if your feet are cold, you do the cocoon thing with your blanket”
“Because I still have some sanity left”
“Because it’s a sin”
OKAY…soooo…as you can see, foot fetishizers were VERY quick to defend their own sanity, with four (4) people claiming they are not insane and/or a psycho/sociopath 🤨. I mean…I don’t know about you guys, but that sounds a LOT like something an INSANE person would say…😵💫 In denial MUCH, FOOT FETISHIZERS???? 🤨🤨🤨
Anyways…uhhh…another answer that stood out to me was: “One less thing to take off when a random woman appears in my bed for sex”. And I mean…I don’t have this happen often (ever), but I am of the opinion that you should ALSO keep your socks on during sex 💡💡💡. The only LOGICAL explanation for taking them off is giving a footjob, so…again, foot fetishes seem like a common thing for these barefoot sleepers 🍆🦶.
Also…this whole “my feet need to breathe” thing — who says your feet need to breathe??? Did you PERSONALLY ask your feet that? Didn’t think so. Do that and then come back to me. And the same goes with “too warm”? What are you sleeping in? A ghillie suit??? Buy a fan or something…broke ass 😆😆😆.
😷😷😷 *cough* x4 😷😷😷
🤧🤧🤧 *nose wipe* x3 🤧🤧🤧
Now, uh, moving on to the NORMAL PEOPLE…let’s see what they had to say…
WHY normal people sleep WITH socks on:
Note: 2/8 respondents answered this question
“Because I’m sick”
“My feet get cold duh”
OK…UMMMM…so…as you can see, normal people were MUCH less vocal compared to the foot fetishizers. Could it be that foot fetishizers were more adamant about defending their strange foot-related sexual habits? Most likely.
But, uh, in terms of the responses from the NORMAL PEOPLE…things weren’t too crazy (because they’re normal…duh). For example, “I’m sick” can mean any number of things. But…uhhhh…for my sake, I am interpreting it as “I’m cool”. So if you want to be cool, sleep with socks on 😰❄️🤩. And “My feet get cold duh”??? That sounds like a pretty clearcut complaint if you ask me. LIKE…I am VERY confident that the ONLY people who LIKE cold feet are runaway brides, Subway employees, and art students. (And if you’re a barefoot sleeper reading this like, “sleeping with socks on is STILL TOO HOT!!!”…I will give you a little secret: You wanna know why your feet aren’t cold when you’re sleeping barefoot??? Because the perv under your bed has a warm ass mouth 💦👄💦.)
NOW…uhhh…I don’t know about you guys, but this is an open-and-shut case in my books. (And before you draft up that angry message directed at ME, it’s important to acknowledge that I (Jared) am ALWAYS RIGHT, and YOU (reader) are ALWAYS WRONG!) LIKE…I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but tossing on a fresh pair of cotton socks before you enter a deep slumber is a VERY normal thing to do — and having a foot fetish is NOT. So, uh, in short: if you have the ability to make the choice, choose the right one — sleeping with socks on.
(Oh, and if you’re STILL not sold on this idea, I’ll say this: the girls that get it, get it and the girls that don’t, don’t 💅🏻💅🏻💅🏻💅🏻💅🏻💅🏻💅🏻).
That’s all.
Bye!
xoxo
J.O.