DISCLAIMER: I have NEVER been wrong in my ENTIRE LIFE! That’s all. Cheers!
Newsletter Update: So…um…it turns out I lied — THIS WILL BE MY LAST POST OF DECEMBER! What can I say, I just LOOOOVE to write! Writing is SO FUN! I LOVE IT! 😩
Anywho…ummmm…since my last post — Holiday Dinners Don’t Have To Suck — hasn’t landed me in federal prison (yet), I thought it would be fun to launch one more post into your inboxes before we dive headfirst — with the intention of breaking our necks — into 2022…🤦🏼♂️🤦🏼♂️🤦🏼♂️
NOW…WHERE WERE WE…
I’m sure you guys ALREADY know this…but trends are really, REALLY HARD to keep up with these days. LIKE…it’s getting to the point where the only mfs that can keep up with what’s “in” and what’s “out” look like this:
(Aliens named Paul are some real trendy ass mfs if you ask me.)
Anyways…uh…my point is, no ONE person can keep up with EVERY new trend that hits the timeline these days. That would be INSANE. LIKE…UMMM…did you guys know that as of August 23, 2021, HOT GIRLS [WERE] DRINKING WHOLE MILK AGAIN? EXACTLY. I DIDN’T THINK SO! (I MEAN…I knew, but that’s not my point). Either way, it doesn’t EVEN MATTER BECAUSE (!!!), for all we know, HOT GIRLS have already transitioned back to drinking OAT MILK (AGAIN?).
SOOOOO…UHH…BASICALLY: NOT ONLY are there TOO MANY trends to keep up with…but (!!!) these trends are shifting so FUCKING FAST that it makes it ALMOST impossible to be seen as a “VERY TRENDY BITCH” by your peers (unless your name is Jared Oviatt or PAUL…then it’s really quite easy). And, uh, to ME…this is a VERY big issue BECAUSEEEEE…there is truly NOTHING MORE embarrassing than missing and/or being late to any given trend. LIKE…if I JUST started watching Tiger King in December 2021 I would look like an actual loser who can’t keep up with things. This shit can be LITERAL social suicide, people!
SO…UMMM…TO SUM THINGS UP BEFORE WE GET CRAZYYYYYYY…
Too many trends = bad
Trends come and go very fast = bad
I am a “very trendy bitch” (alongside a fictional alien named Paul)
Nobody should watch Tiger King in 2021…or ever…
Now…uhhh…since we’re about to enter a BRAND-NEW YEAR — 2022 — that will, in all likelihood, be FILLED TO THE BRIM with ALL KINDS of new trends…and…things, I have taken the time to compile some VERY interesting thoughts on some VERY important trends (AND events!) that are GUARANTEED to happen to MAKE SURE that NONE of you (me included) “miss the boat”, as they say.
SOOOOOO…UHHH…I FINALLY PRESENT YOU:
📈🌦📉THE ULTIMATE 2022 TREND & PREDICTION FORECAST📈🌦📉
LET’S DIVE IN!
OUT: CASUAL WEED CONSUMPTION
IN: CASUAL KETAMINE CONSUMPTION
They don’t call it the “devil’s lettuce” for nothing. Weed is EVIL! So, uh, instead of supporting that scary red bitch (Satan) in 2022, how about we casually indulge in some horse tranq???
And before you ask, Jesus was a HUGE ket head.
OUT: THIRST TRAPS
IN: ONLYFANS SIDE HUSTLES
Thirst traps are cool and all, but you’re giving away some of your BEST CONTENT for FREE??? Monetize that shit! Dicks AND tits get clicks, BABY!
OUT: DRINKING WATER
IN: SMOKING CIGARETTES
Water is BORING! There is ZERO (0) flavour, ZERO (0) pizzaz, AND ZERO (0) chance bitches will want to fuck you if you’re drinking that shit in front of them. SO…ummm…if you’re really serious about getting some form of hand sex in the backseat of your car, start smoking cigarettes.
OUT: BEING SINGLE
IN: DATING YOUR EX
Being single is COOL and all but…uhhh…you wanna know what’s EVEN cooler? Getting back with your ex for the 7th time. Will it be hard at first? Yes. But (!!!) I promise you that those INEVITABLE fights will give you some MUCH-NEEDED character development. Think of this as an…investment.
OUT: BRAZILIAN BUTT LIFTS (BBLs)
IN: PENIS ENLARGEMENTS
BBLs are heading out of style at a RECORD PACE!
Thankfully, body modifications are still going to be VERY COOL in 2022 with penis enlargements LEADING THE CHARGE! LIKE…we should ALL be trying to embrace our inner (outer?) Pete Davidson in 2022, tbh.
ALSO (!!!!), if you don’t want to say “penis enlargement” out loud, I would suggest using another phrase like…”I’m getting a worm extension”…or something like that.
OUT: TEXTING
IN: EMAIL
I feel like many of us would thrive in the email-communication-only future that I see for us. You’re not expected to answer emails right away…AND (!!!)…you can write a paragraph without looking like a sociopath. This can really be a win-win for us “long-winded” folk.
OUT: TRAVIS SCOTT
IN: JOJO SIWA
Jojo Siwa gained a LOT of momentum in 2021 (thanks, Claire Carusillo). LIKE…if any internet celebrity is DESTINED to go supersonic in 2022, it’s Jojo. And (!!!) who better for her to replace than the most hated Fortnite character in the world — Travis Scott.
OUT: “MANSCAPING”
IN: BUSHES
I know that “Manscaping” TYPICALLY only refers to a man’s genital area grooming habits, but I think this shift really applies to EVERYONE! So, uh, toss out that weed whacker and get growing people! The bush is back and it’s here to stay! (I also just REALLY hate the term “Manscaping”. It’s awful.)
OUT: HAVING KIDS
IN: GETTING A VASECTOMY
Fellas…if your girl is on ANY form of birth control, it’s time for you to step TF up and get your shit snipped. Not only are kids the WORST thing you could EVER have, but your girl’s hormone levels shouldn’t be getting fucked up just so you can finish in 32 seconds flat.
OUT: NOT KNOWING WHAT GAWKER IS
IN: READING GAWKER
I’ll say it: the new Gawker RULES! And I am more than happy to make reading this once-dead website my whole personality in 2022, IDEC. And…uh…you should too, otherwise, I will cyberbully you to the point of no return.
OUT: PHOTO DUMPS
IN: POSTING TEXT-ONLY STATUS UPDATES TO YOUR INSTAGRAM FEED
This one was REALLY tough for me to write because I LOVE PHOTO DUMPS! But…uhhh…sadly, photo dumps went NUCLEAR in 2021 in the WORST way possible. LIKE…EVERYONE IS POSTING PHOTO DUMPS NOW (!!!)…which, by default, makes them very uncool. So, uh, I propose that we just post text-only updates to our feeds instead — kind of like a budget-Twitter scenario. (We will probably need to circle back on this idea in Q3).
OUT: LORDE
IN: KE$HA
After listening to Solar Power a NUMBER of times, I have concluded that we should all feel comfortable deleting Lorde from existence and embracing the true Mozart of modern music, Ke$ha.
OUT: ARC’TERYX
IN: JUST GETTING A LITTLE WET
Let’s be honest, Arc’teryx is expensive and getting a little wet is kind of fun.
OUT: ORAL SEX
IN: SOAKING
If you REALLY think about it, oral sex is pretty gross. Like…uh…how about we keep our mouths away from our partner’s pee holes and dock our dicks in some coochies...(or vice versa?) in 2022???? I could FUCK with that…
OUT: COFFEE
IN: FOUNTAIN DRINKS
I don’t drink coffee, but almost everyone I know makes it sound like the violent laxative of all time??? And that, uh, is a NO from me!
I reckon we should all just start our days with a cheeky little fountain drink…as long as it’s not Mountain Dew. That would just be fucked up.
OUT: AIRPODS
IN: WIRED HEADPHONES (shoutout @wireditgirls)
If you didn’t already know, all my homies HATE AirPods!
Dig out those wired headphones in 2022 and look EFFORTLESSLY cool as God intended. You’re welcome.
OUT: VINYL COLLECTIONS
IN: CD COLLECTIONS
Vinyl collectors are the most annoying people on the planet. Like, we get it, you own a giant CD that can’t be used outside of the comfort of your own home??? Weirdo behaviour, tbh.
OUT: WEDDING CEREMONIES
IN: RUSSIAN ROULETTE
Weddings are a GIANT waste of money. And what better way to make sure you and your partner are bonded forever than a nice game of Russian roulette?!? I mean…the experience of ALMOST killing your partner or…uhhh…ACTUALLY killing them will definitely make your bond UNBREAKABLE, however that may look.
And people like to say trauma is a bad thing…
OUT: PLANNING
IN: NOT THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES
The future is scary. I think it’s best if we just ignore the fact that it exists. (Thank you for this indirect suggestion, Ghys).
OUT: NOT CURSING IN FRONT OF CHILDREN
IN: SAYING CUNT IN A CASUAL, NON-OFFENSIVE WAY
If I said “cunt” in New Zealand and/or Australia I would be made Prime Minister without hesitation. Need I say more?
Also, swearing in front of kids should be encouraged, tbh.
🤔🤔🤔 2022 PREDICTIONS 🤔🤔🤔
Drake has another kid (with a different woman)
Joe Biden dies (late July)
Britney Spears gets divorced
Kanye goes to rehab (twice)
Crypto market crashes
DaBaby gets hospitalized
The Queen dies (late March)
NFTs become worthless
Joe Rogan has an OD scare
Jake Paul starts dating an A-list (maybe B-list) celebrity
Prince Andrew (barely) avoids going to jail
I (Jared) get COVID (again)
John Mulaney hits someone with his car (non-fatal)
Grimes leaks Elon Musk’s nudes (tiny dick)
Megan Thee Stallion starts dating a tech mogul
Jennifer Anniston gets cancelled (finally)
Demi Lovato becomes a full-time activist and quits music
Ben Affleck and J-Lo have a messy public breakup
Beyonce threatens to divorce Jay-Z, doesn’t get through with it
Greta Thunberg’s finsta gets revealed
Doja Cat banned from IG
Aaron Rodgers and Shailene Woodley break up
Serena Williams wins another grand slam
That’s all. HAPPY 2022!
xoxo
J.O.
Not my girl Lorde 😢