Bonjour, mes amis! 🫶🏻❤️🔥
Believe it or not, I haven’t published a newsletter in 109 (!!!) days. And…uhhh…IDK about you guys, but that is a LONG ASS TIME. I guess time really does fly when you’re NOT having fun! 🥹🥹🥹
It’s funny though (not funny haha, funny weird…), not a single one of you reached out to ask where I was all this time???? 🤔 I could have been DEAD! 🪦⚰️ MURDERED, EVEN! 🫣🔪 I thought we were FRIENDS! 🫠 LIKE…I’m honestly not sure how you guys have managed to last this long without a WORLD FAMOUS Yeah Right™ newsletter in your life???? LIKE…what have you guys been reading for the last 109 days??? Better not be the bible…😳😳😳
Anyways…ummm…enough with the CHIT CHAT! We have a LOT to cover today since I am UNFORTUNATELY still breathing…so…uhhh…without further ado…LET’S DIVE IN! 🏄🏼♂️
LOYALTY PROGRAMS MAKE ME WANT TO DIE…
7-Eleven used to be one of my favourite places to visit. And when I say visit, I mean VISIT! I’m not even kidding, I could probably spend anywhere from 3-6 hours in there on any given day. They have EVERYTHING you could ever need: fountain drinks, pizza pops, condoms, condoms for your pizza pops, air fresheners, syphilis, ATMs…YOU NAME IT! 🤤😌 And that’s not even counting all of the extra goodies stocked inside the 21,215 7-Eleven locations in Japan — where you can (apparently) purchase some VERY high-quality blank t-shirts??? (I love a good blank t-shirt, tbh…😌)
But…uhhh…unfortunately for customers like myself, no number of goodies can make up for the fact that 7-Eleven has fallen VICTIM to the allure of the almighty loyalty program, with “7-Eleven Rewards” now being a key part of 7-Eleven’s customer service experience and overarching (big word for this newsletter, tbh) corporate strategy…🥴🔫
I mean…there’s no way to sugarcoat this: loyalty programs are the bane of my existence. LIKE…they fucking suck soOooOoO MUCH! And since I paid nearly 40k to be known as a marketing “expert” on LinkedIn.com, I feel like I can say this (respectfully) — loyalty programs can suck my dick from the BACK! 👺🤬👺🤬 I don’t want to give you my phone number. I don’t want to give you my email. I want to take my shit and LEAVE! 🏃🏼♂️💨 I could care less about collecting points because I don’t WANT points! I want to CONVENIENTLY (it’s called a convenience store for a reason!) collect my items so I can get stage 4 diarrhea from all of eating 7-Eleven’s more-than-questionable food! 😏😏😏 Is that TOO MUCH TO ASK????
And since some of you are going to tell me I can “just use the app”, I’ll say this: I don’t fucking WANT TO! 😡😡😡 If I’m going to a store, drive-thru, etc., I want to be SERVICED! 🍆💦 If I wanted to do everything myself I would simply just split my paycheck with Mr. 7 + Mrs. 11 myself! And this goes for this new “Prepay and walk away” bullshit, too. I want to interact with a person on my way in and out. This whole “seamless” experience thing is a lie and I won’t stand for it!
I mean…look at this shit! STUPID! DUMB! 🤮🤮🤮
Oh, and the worst part about ALL of this???? This type of shit isn’t even a 7-Eleven exclusive anymore! Loyalty programs are fucking EVERYWHERE! 🏘 Every single place I love…RUINED! McDonald’s, Starbucks, Tim Hortons, the strip club, you NAME IT! Hell, even my METH dealer has started asking for a loyalty card??? 😮💨💊 It’s just too much, honestly. And you know who we can blame for this shit???? MARKETING MAJORS! All of these motherfuckers are obsessed with data and analytics 👨🏼💻📈 and it makes me SICK! 🤮🤢🥴 I feel betrayed by my own kind in so many ways…
A NEW KIND OF BOYFRIEND JUST DROPPED…
As most of you know, 2021 was, without a doubt, the year of the “pop-punk boyfriend”. I mean…Kourtney Kardashian AND (!!!) Megan Fox — two ULTRA (?) FAMOUS women — getting ENGAGED to their pop-punk boyfriends — Machine Gun Kelly and Travis Barker — in the SAME YEAR? 🤯🤯🤯 I would say the odds of that happening again are VERY unlikely (although…uhhh…Travis Barker is in the hospital and Machine Gun Kelly is putting shotgun(s) in his mouth, so…ummm…watch this space). And let’s not forget about our fucking BOY…the REAL king of pop-punk…Chase Hudson, aka Lil Huddy, and his on-again, off-again flame — Charli D'Amelio, who now appears to be dating Travis Barker’s pop-punk son!
HOWEVER, now that we are one year removed from pop-punk boyfriend hype, it looks as though a “NEW” kind of boyfriend has taken the throne — which I have aptly named the “Big Dick Energy (BDE) Boyfriend”.
Big Dick Energy (BDE) Boyfriend: A bald-to-bald adjacent1 white dude who is, more than likely, sporting a massive, girthy cock 👨🦲🍆💦👨🦲🍆💦
Now…uhh…don’t get me wrong…the pop-punk boyfriend was a VERY BIG DEAL. Some would even say the BIGGEST DEAL! But…uhhh…upon conducting some CRUCIAL research over the last few months, I have quickly realized that the BDE Boyfriend is shaping up to be an EVEN BIGGER DEAL if you’re comparing…sizes. And…umm…if you don’t believe me, here are a FEW women involved in BDE Boyfriend relationships: Alexa Demie, Bella Hadid, Hailey Bieber, Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, and Zoë Kravitz. LIKE…these are some big fucking DAWGS if you ask me.
So…uhhh…let’s discuss some of these relationships…
I, like most of you, have no fucking idea who this guy is. And honestly, I think that’s for the better seeing as though Ms. Demie is one of the oldest (?) and one of the most private women in Hollywood. He’s successful-ish. He’s low-key. LIKE…what more could you really ask for????
I have been a fan of this relationship since day ONE. And that’s not even an exaggeration — I was THERE when they became exclusive (please don’t fact-check this). I just…love them. He’s hot. She’s hot. It just makes sense, you know? I would even go as far as to say I would commit ARSON for them! Hell, I’d even do heroin if they asked me to!
I also think it should be noted that Channing has made the FULL transition from Himbo to BDE BF (since, in my opinion, Himbos and BDE BFs do not fall into the same category. This is not a venn diagram, people!
I literally hate this couple so much. They are fucking everywhereeeeeeee, all the time. And don’t even get me started on their joint love for the big man upstairs, Jesus Christ (not to be confused with Santa Claus)…
Like Zoë and Channing, I have a deep love for this couple. However, I do wish they would step out of the spotlight jussssssssst a little bit. LIKE…let’s face it: you become a lot less interesting when we see you every fucking dayyyyyyy.
Some of you may be surprised by my take on this, but I think this couple RULES! LIKE…Pete Davidson is just CASUALLY dating one of the biggest celebrities in the world after already dating and/or fucking pretty much every woman you could think of (even your mom!)???? VERY COOL.
Much like Alexa Demie’s boyfriend, I have no clue who this fucking guy is. And, once again, I think that’s for the better. Seeing as though Bella is the ULTIMATE cool girl, dating a nobody (at least by my standards) is MUCH cooler than dating someone who calls himself “The Weeknd”???
LIKE…just look at them here. Marc KNOWS his place!
Sadly, as much as I want to hype up the BDE Boyfriend, it looks as though all of the good ones have been snatched up by your favourite celeb’s favourite celeb…which means all of you will have to compete for the love and affection of the final boss of BDE Boyfriends, Chet Hanks…
CRACK IS WACK, POP IS BACK!…
In a world where craft beer is touted as the champagne of beverages 🤮, I never thought I would see the day where POP (aka SODA to you American cunts 🙄) would finally make its resurgence to the forefront of pop (no pun intended) culture. And thank god, honestly! I haven’t been able to slurp down an ice-cold Pepsi in peace ever since Kendall Jenner used that shit to stop (???) a fake protest (I can’t even count how many times I’ve been ridiculed for buying a Pepsi as an adult 🙄🙄🙄. LIKE…it’s not my fault this shit is delicious???).
But, before we dive into this MASSIVE (huge, even) trend, let’s take a moment to shit on craft beer. FIRST…why is everyone obsessed with CRAFT FUCKING BEER??? 🤢 It literally tastes like horse piss mixed with a rotting corpse??? LIKE…if it came down to drinking piss from a public urinal or drinking some sort of craft beer, I’m choosing the urinal 10/10 times 🚽🥂. LIKE…I truly do not understand why anyone would 1. Willingly consume something called “craft beer” when “regular” beer already sucks ass, and 2. Publically ADMIT that they enjoy an objectively disgusting beverage??? 🤨🤨🤨
ANYWAYS, as I was saying, it looks as though the pendulum of good taste has finally swung back in the right direction because not one, but TWO members of the Kardashian clan have subtly dropped their love for Coke (aka Coca-Cola, not cocaine) in the past few months…🫡🫡🫡
Not to mention, BOTH of these photos were posted the SAME week this (see below) went down on Hulu’s The Kardashians (boring ass show title if you ask me)??? It’s almost too good to be true if you ask me…
LIKE…I’m sure Coca-Cola Inc. was absolutely FROTHING at the mouth when this happened because I genuinely cannot think of ANYONE better than the Kardashians to peddle a product to the masses. They’re healthy, they’re hot, and most of all, they’re influential! 💯💸🤑💯💸🤑
And SPEAKING of…uhhh…being healthy (?), hot, and influential…
LIKE…talk about INSANE timing???? I’m mid-newsletter-edit and Coca-Cola names Kate Moss as the creative director of Diet Coke???? It’s almost too good to be true………again! (I ALSO think it should be noted that the “diet” version of ANY pop is OBJECTIVELY worse than the original version…but I digress)
And, best of all, it looks as though this pop resurgence isn’t stopping ANYTIME soon as everyone’s favourite it-girl Addison Rae, and favourite Bostonians, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon have been flaunting their love for pop (Coke and Diet Coke, specifically) in recent weeks…
HOWEVER, the question remains: Is this a strategic marketing move put in place by Coca-Cola? Or is the pendulum truly shifting in the right direction? I, for one, hope it’s the latter. But until we see celebrities sharing their love for the superior beverage (Pepsi), I think it’s important we remain skeptical…………
“Hot Girl Summer” NEEDS A REBRAND…
I will be the first to say it: “HOT GIRL SUMMER” needs a rebrand 😤🤧. Why????? Well, believe it or not, Megan Thee Stallion’s smash hit Hot Girl Summer was released on September 3, 2019. THAT’S ALMOST 3 YEARS AGO! 🤯😳🤯😳 It is time to move ON, methinks…🤔🤔🤔 No trend — or “saying” for that matter — should last longer than 365 days…EVER! It was bad enough when people started saying shit like “Hot Vax Summer” 🤧 last year — which, objectively speaking, sounds so fuckin stupid!!! And this is coming from the guy who tried to make “Hot Boy Summer” a thing in 2021! Even I’m smart enough to recognize that something that stupid shouldn’t carry over from summer to summer 💯💯💯…
HOT GIRL SUMMER: A summer full of fun.
Coach Meg aka Megan thee Stallion, the creator of hot girl summer, said it best... Hot girl summer is about “just being you, just having fun. It’s turning up, driving the boat and not giving a damn about what nobody’s saying.”
A summer where you are in charge of your own happiness. Chase the bag and we ain’t crying over no man PERIODt.It’s a hot girl summer.
And don’t get me wrong, the “idea” of hot girl summer is VERY COOL…🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻. But the phrase “Hot Girl Summer” has, in my opinion, become so diluted that it has lost a lot of its…je ne sais quoi? 🤫🤫🤫 So…uhhh…I think it’s time that we come up with something NEW that keeps the general idea of being a “hot girl” intact 🤒. However, since I don’t want to do ALL the heavy lifting, I will only offer a few suggestions:
Slut Era Summer
The Summer Of Slay
Ass Front And Center August (sorry)
Serving Cunt Summer
Juggs Out July (sorry, again)
Areolas On Display August (ok, now I’m really sorry)
Slopped Not Chopped Summer
Summer (Classic)
But…uhhh…feel free to suggest something better because I’m not getting paid enough (at all, actually!) to conjure up summer trends for free 😤😤😤😤😤
SUMMER RECS GALORE…
In my VERY humble opinion, gatekeeping is VERY, VERY important. LIKE…I seriously can’t think of anything worse than some Jack Harlow stan blowing up my spot??? 😵💫🥴🫣
But……ummmmm……since I’ve been gone for 109 days……I figured I’d let all of you in on what I’m currently fucking with so you can start your summers off the RIGHT WAY…😛😛😛
FIRST? SOME ESSENTIAL VIEWING…
Never Rarely Sometimes Always (HBO Max, HBO, Crave)
I refuse to get serious™ on this newsletter, but I can’t think of a better time to recommend this to EVERYONE…
Girls (HBO Max, HBO, Crave)
This might be one of the best shows of all time???? I wish I was kidding — but it’s seriously THAT good. Does Lena Dunham kind of suck sometimes? Of course. But this shit is so good you’ll just have to get over it…💁🏼♂️💁🏼♂️💁🏼♂️
(To everyone who recommended this show me: I sincerely hope all of you win the lottery…or something…because…uhhh…you deserve it 🫶🏻❤️🔥🥹)
Barry (HBO Max, HBO, Crave)
Bill Hader is THAT bitch. He put his entire 13-inch cock into this shit and it SHOWS! Like…seriously. The entire show he is rock hard and it’s kind of hard to miss…🍆🍆🍆
Anyways, S3 just wrapped up and now is the perfect time to act like you’ve been there since day one…👶
OH, AND SOME ESSENTIAL LISTENING…
Momma
If ONE more person recommends a Jack Harlow song to me I will LITERALLY launch myself off a 36-story building (and I’m not kidding!). So, uh, to stop me from doing that (even if you want it to happen), I am recommending that all of you dip your toes into Momma’s BRAND NEW record (“record” sounds sooooo much cooler than “album”…) — Household Name. It’s ‘90s revivalism at its BEST and I am trusting that all of you will thank me when this band (inevitably) goes nuclear…☢️🚀
Charli XCX
Beyoncé this. Drake that. How about we acknowledge a GOOD “dance” song/album that came out earlier this year? LIKE…this shit is unreal…
AND, OF COURSE, SOME ESSENTIAL READING…
I know like…30% of you are illiterate (don’t worry, so am I), but here are some very important things I think all of you need to read so you’re in the know…🤓🤓🤓
Wellness Is Dead. Long Live the Martini - Emily Sundberg, New York Magazine
Who Is the Ion Pack? - Nathan Taylor Pemberton, The New York Times
Most Pornographic Grunts In Men’s Tennis - Jake Nevins, Gawker
The Marvel Cinematic Universe Isn't Art - Patrick Marlborough, Vice
TV Is The 'Good Screen' Now - Kate Lindsay & Nick Catucci, Embedded
Is the Dress Shirt Dead? - Jacob Gallagher, The Wall Street Journal
Jorts Have Taken Over - Liana Satenstein, Vogue
AND LASTLY, SOME IMPORTANT TWEETS…
BYE!
XOXO
J.O.
bald-adjacent: a buzzcut and/or very short hair