Let’s cut to the chase: NFTs fucking suck. You know it. Your dad knows it. Your dad’s dad knows it. Your dad’s dad’s dad knows it. Your dad’s dad’s dad’s dad knows it. I think you guys get my point. They suck. 🤬🤬🤬
But…ummmm…unfortunately…uhhh…as widespread as this hatred for “non-fungible tokens” may be, there still remains a VERY vocal — and VERY annoying — group of fucking DORKS who, for some reason, simply won’t shut the FUCK UP about the “UNLIMITED potential” of what can only be described as "the human capacity for visual expression as understood by the guy at the vape store” (the digital version of a KAWS toy, basically) 🙄🙄🙄. In fact, not only do ALL (yes, all) NFTs look like some version of an Xbox Live profile picture (which are, objectively speaking, TASTELESS), but outside of MOST circles, they’re utterly worthless.
I mean…the very idea that you can purchase a glorified JPEG on your computer — and an UGLY one at that — for potentially MILLIONS of dollars is fucking insane to me. LIKE…you’re trying to tell me this shit sold for HOW MUCH???? 🤯😳🤯😳
And this??? I mean, what the FUCK are we DOING? 😧 LIKE…I TRULY hope we aren’t THIS desperate for ORIGINAL IP! (Can it even be considered original IP if it’s based on an NFT???? Who KNOWS!) 🤧🤧🤧…
“And this is why the future, be it NFTs or Memoji or the howling existential horror of the Metaverse, looks so ugly and boring: it reflects the stunted inner lives of the finance and technology professionals who produced it. As the visual manifestation of cryptocurrency, NFT art combines the nuanced social awareness of computer programmers with the soulful whimsy of hedge fund managers. It is art for people whose imaginations have been absolutely captured by a new kind of money you can do on the computer” - Dan Brooks, via Gawker
On the bright side, NFTs are just itty bitty digital files — which means if an NFT “owner’s” android device (because NFT “owners” aren’t cool enough for iPhones) or gaming PC battery dies when they’re trying to show off their “super cool” NFT…they’re completely fucked. And for that, I’m thankful. We’re basically just one EMP away from seeing the value of NFTs crash down faster than the Titanic did to the bottom of the Atlantic ocean (RIP Jack Dawson, you dead bitch).
ANYWAYSSSSS…as much as the very idea of NFTs makes me want to “accidentally” trip and fall into a pile of box cutters, I think I have figured it all out. 😲😲😲
You see, it’s not that NFTs are TOO EASY to purchase (I actually tried to buy one for the purpose of this post…and it was a LENGTHY — and expensive (?) — process that involved Ethereum [the urethra of cryptocurrencies?] and some other bullshit I don’t care to discuss), it’s that people are buying NFTs as an “investment” because some rich dudes (who ran up the price of NFTs to begin with) told them that they could “GET RICH QUICK!” à la Jordan Belfort.
So…I was…you know…THINKING that…uhhh…in order to make sure that potential NFT “owners” are in it for the right reasons (is there even a “right” reason??? IDK…), we establish some REAL “barriers to NFTs” (shoutout to my business majors who are familiar with the idea of “barriers to entry”). WHAT KIND OF BARRIERS, JARED??? Well, that’s a silly question because, as MOST of you know, “It’s not a newsletter. It’s Yeah Right”, and we (Jared) do things DIFFERENTLY around here…
NOW…I PRESENT YOU…
SEVEN (7) Fear Factor challenges that *potential* NFT “owners” must SUCCESSFULLY complete in order to add a shitty JPEG into their “digital wallet”
LET’S DIVE IN…😏😏😏😏
CHALLENGE #1: EAT COW BRAINS
Let’s be honest…if you’re looking to spend your “hard-earned” cash on the shittiest, most expensive Xbox Live profile picture of all time, the act of eating cow brains might as well be considered cannibalism 🤨🤨🤨. (Apologies in advance to all of the smart (?) cows reading this 🥺). I mean…I would like to think that someone with a human brain would be smart enough to recognize that spending ~$24 million on a JPEG is stupid as hell. But hey…you never know…💅🏻💅🏻💅🏻
CHALLENGE #2: UNTIE A ROPE WHILE BURIED ALIVE IN WORMS
If it were up to me, ALL current (and potential) NFT “owners” would be buried alive each time the clock strikes midnight. But…uhhh…seeing as though I have no such power…I think this challenge would be a good workaround in terms of forcing potential NFT “owners” to suffer a slow and painful death at the hands (?) of some horny ass worms. And who knows, maybe some of these sick fucks will enjoy this type of thing! 😮💨😮💨😮💨 (Yeah Right is pro-kink-shaming, btw.)
CHALLENGE #3: TRANSFER DEAD RATS BY MOUTH
I have NO idea if rats are “smarter” than cows…but for the sake of this challenge, rats are fucking geniuses. Hell, rats are probably smarter than even the “smartest” potential NFT “owner”! Anyways…um…with that in mind, I hope that being forced to transfer these dead little geniuses by mouth destroys someone’s self-esteem to the point where they start to question if BoredApe #484032 is really worth it…😪😪😪
CHALLENGE #4: RETRIEVE A CANDY CANE FROM THE BOTTOM OF A POOL COVERED WITH PLEXIGLAS
In an ideal world, potential NFT “owners” would die during this challenge. And…ummmm…I’m no rat (genius), but I have a STRONG feeling that drowning is a very shitty way to die. A cool way to die, sure — but definitely not a FUN way to die! And doing so on national television? You might as well just kill yourself before you even change into your swim trunks. Like…that’s just soooooo embarrassing...🤣
CHALLENGE #5: OUTLAST COMPETITORS IN A ROOM FULL OF TEAR GAS
I honestly just think it would be pretty funny to watch some tech loser get tear-gassed to the point of bawling their eyes out and possibly shitting their pants. That’s all. 🤐
CHALLENGE #6: BOBBING FOR PLUMS IN A TANK FULL OF WATER SNAKES…WAIT…SCRATCH THAT. BOBBING FOR PLUMS IN A TANK FULL OF INLAND TAIPAN SNAKES
Unfortunately for…uhhh…me (???) water snakes aren’t venomous (at ALL!). BUT (!!!) since I’m in charge of this whole…thing…I’m making the executive decision to swap out these venomless losers (water snakes) for the REAL DEAL — inland taipan snakes. And in case you aren’t aware, the inland taipan is generally regarded as the world’s most venomous snake, as its bite is lethal in more than 80% untreated cases, killing humans in under an hour. Talk about an UPGRADE! 🤩🤩🤩
Just imagine…a hedge fund manager named Todd foaming at the mouth after being bitten by the world’s most lethal snake. Could it get any more perfect than that? 🤤🥰
CHALLENGE #7: STAND NAKED IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE
I’m not going to look up the stats on this one (because I don’t care), but I have a VERY strong feeling that 99.9% of NFT owners are men because, well, women are too smart to waste their money on some stupid shit like an NFT. So…ummmm…with that in mind, this challenge would, in all likelihood, just be a bunch of dudes showing off their tiny cocks to a live audience (because financially responsible men get penis enlargements. I would know).
[BONUS] CHALLENGE #8: STAND IN FRONT OF A STINGMORE MINE
So…uhhhh…as it turns out, Fear Factor challenges aren’t NEARLY as “insane” as I remembered. LIKE…these challenges are designed to inflict almost ZERO physical pain — which is VERY LAME (thanks, network television 🙄🙄🙄). Therefore, to make sure that we balance things out here, I am adding this BONUS challenge from Jackass 2 to end things the RIGHT WAY.
Best case scenario? Someone permanently loses their hearing and develops severe PSTD. Worst case scenario? They develop a pain-kink…and go on to purchase MULTIPLE NFTs in the future…
THE END
Now…uhhh…if someone makes it THIS far and is STILL in the market to purchase an NFT, I think it’s safe to say this person is fucking crazy and deserves to die at the hands of the old lady from Paranormal Activity 3…
On ANOTHER note, I have exciting news to share: You can now read Yeah Right in the new Substack app for iPhone. And…uhhh…if you hate reading this shit on your web browser (or your email), I would HIGHLY recommend downloading the app…
That’s all.
xoxo
J.O.