DISCLAIMER: I would recommend reading this with your eyes closed. Cheers!
BEFORE WE START…
I would like to SINCERELY apologize to all 69,000 of you for uh…well…umm…FAILING to release the MONDAY EDITION of Yeah Right. I was just soooooo busy thinking about the new season of Succession, you know? How could I possibly do ANY work with that on my mind?! My 5’5” brain can only take so much at once, okay???? 🥺 Anyways…ENJOY! ❤️🔥
WHAT IS Spooky Season?????
WELL, according to Urban Dictionary [i.e. a very credible source]…
spooky season OR spooky szn (for you trendy MF’s 🙄)
Starts around October when all the spooky bitches come out. Everything becomes scary and is the best season for not giving a shit and doing what you want.
E.g., I can finally be the spooky witch that I am now that it is spooky szn.
Sorry, but ”starts around October” is kind of vague??? And I HATE vagueness! (Editors note1: Why does, “I hate vagueness” kinda look like “I hate vaginas”).
Thus, for the sake of this newsletter post, and my sanity, spooky season is an “October exclusive”. Cool? Cool.
Anyways, it doesn’t even matter WHEN spooky season is because more often than not, the whole “season” is ONE. BIG. LETDOWN! 😤😤😤 That Urban Dictionary definition is a FUCKING LIE!!! Like…I swear every SINGLE MF YEAR my entire timeline (TL) goes goo goo gaga over the very THOUGHT of a season that isn’t even that spooky!? 😐 I mean…spooky season for a LOT of people literally just means changing their display name on social media…
Pre-Spooky Season: Steve Smith
Mid-Spooky Season: Spooky Steve Smith 🎃
Post-Spooky Season: Steve Smith
But…I SUPPOSE…what “spooky season” entails is different for everyone—quantifying what makes any one person’s spooky season “SPOOKY” or “GOOD” or “SUCCESSFUL” is probably impossible and VERY subjective!
Regardless of what I think, spooky season is an exciting time for A LOT of people. I would go as far as to say that spooky season is the ONLY shining light at the end of the tunnel when September is wrapping up. Scientifically speaking, September is the worst month of the year 🤮🤢. Sorry, (most) Virgos. You’re either going back to school OR just coming to terms with the idea that your seasonal depression is about to kick into overdrive—and sometimes, BOTH! 🤑 How could anyone enjoy that!? I meannnnnn…it’s no coincidence that Green Day LITERALLY made a song called Wake Me Up When September Ends. If Green Day knows that September sucks, you definitely should too! (I’m pretty sure the song is about the death of Billie Joe Armstrong’s dad, but my point still stands).
Soooooo…it’s no wonder that people are literally FOAMING at the mouth when September is on its last legs!!!! All my homies just LOVEEEEE October! 😈😈😈
See, October is INCREDIBLE because it’s basically 31 STRAIGHT days of fall (aka autumn). IDC what anyone says, fall fuckin’ RULES! The trees look cool…and uhhh…that’s all I can think of. Anyways, fall + October + spooky season = THE PERFECT FORMULA for the best holiday of the year—Halloween. Despite my personal issues with dressing up AND celebrating a children’s holiday…I do enjoy a good Halloween. It’s not my fault that picking a costume is IMPOSSIBLE?! 😓 (If I had a super hot and smart girlfriend to help me out though…I wouldn’t be complaining).
HOWEVER, as much as I like to gas up Halloween as “the best holiday of the year”, it’s basically the main reason why spooky season SUCKS! Halloween, like most major holidays, is a one-day celebration. Maybe a few people throw up decorations pre-October 31st, but let’s be honest with ourselves, the real festivities don’t actually happen until Halloween night. And yes, I know spooky season isn’t ALL about Halloween—but can we confidently call it spooky season if the only day anything spooky ACTUALLY goes down is the LAST day of the month? IDK, you tell me.
Sure, you might have Halloween and other spooky shit on your mind from October 1st onward. But…sorry…like…I highly doubt you can say to yourself, “Yeah, I’ve been thinking of spooky shit for 31 days straight”. Then again, who knows, maybe you do! In that case, though, you probably should just go to therapy…or…get an exorcism…
To me, the very concept of “spooky season” suggests roughly 31 days of indulging in, thinking of, and experiencing spooky shit. If spooky season was ACTUALLY spooky, I would see some shit like this on October 3rd—
And (!!!), to make matters worse, every horror movie…EVER (?)…treats Halloween, and even spooky season to some extent, like a BIG FUCKING deal! (I know it’s just a movie and uhhh…not real, but still). Unfortunately, in the REAL WORLD, there are very VERY few ways to actually indulge in, think of, or experience spooky shit. Maybe you watch horror movies, or maybe you go to…IDK…weird “fright night” events (?)…WHO KNOWS! Either way, both of these options are VERY…umm…BORING…and…umm…LAME experiences within a time period that should be filled to the brim spooky ass SHIT!
Why can’t Freddy Krueger just be REAL!!!! 🥱
THANKFULLY…I am here to SAVE SPOOKY SEASON with some AMAZING ideas that SHOULD make it THEE (like the stallion) SPOOKIEST time of the year!
Without further ado, let’s dive in…
Summoning The Dead
What’s more spooky than pulling out the good ol’ ouija board and summoning the dead with your friends? Exactly. Nothing!
To be completely transparent, I have only whipped out the good ol’ ouija board somewhere between…IDK…0-10,000 times in my life? Crazy, I know. But, I can confidently say from those experiences that the MOST exciting part of it all is the small chance that you could summon the dead, or more specifically, a DEMON!
And in the case you do actually summon a demon, you better be prepared for the BEST SPOOKY SEASON EVER! That demon will possess your ass faster than you can say goodbye…which is uhh...AWESOME??? LIKE…THAT’S spooky as fuck!
But, to pull off a NUMBER of demonic possessions, or even to summon the dead in the first place, everyone is going to need a government-issued ouija board. And I’m thinking—because not everyone will be lucky enough to encounter a demon—anyone that manages to ACTUALLY summon a demon can hold like…a possession potluck or something??? It’s like a Superbowl party with wayyyy better vibes! Maybe it’s just me—I just think being possessed would be pretty fucking awesome??? You just get to chill on autopilot while all of your friends and family fear for your life AS WELL AS their own!?! That’s unreal!
Demonic possessions = spooky szn af
Exorcisms
Now, if we’re letting MF’s get possessed on a MASS scale here, we’ve gotta be prepared to fix that issue at some point, right? Here is my solution—MASS EXORCISMS!
Exorcisms are almost as scary, if not scarier, than actually being possessed in the first place. According to Wikipedia dot com, the rules, regulations, and guidelines for conducting an “exorcism” were established in 1614. I’m no genius, but 1614 was a LONG ass time ago! This is some creepy old-age religious shit, you feel me?
An exorcism is the religious or spiritual practice of evicting demons, jinns, or other spiritual entities from a person, or an area, that is believed to be possessed.
If you’ve seen at least one horror movie in your life, you’ve more than likely come across an exorcism. For example…The Exorcist, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, The Conjuring 1-3, Scary Movie 2, Teenage Exorcist, The Possession…I think you get it. If you’ve seen literally ANY movie ever, TBH, you probably know that exorcisms can get fucking LIT! I know it’s mostly just a bunch of Hollywood BS, but IDGAF, OKAY!
I’ve also been saying this for MONTHS! You’d think the number of times we’ve heard of, or even seen a fictional exorcism, we’d know at least one person who has undergone one???? I just want to see an exorcism, FUCKING HELL! P.s. Have you guys ever seen an exorcism go down????? If so, bang my line…
SIDE NOTE: While completing some additional “Googling” for this post, I learned that our VERY OWN Mother Teresa (close friend of Yeah Right) underwent an exorcism late in life “under the direction of the Archbishop of Calcutta, Henry D'Souza, after he noticed she seemed to be extremely agitated in her sleep and feared she "might be under the attack of the evil one”.
I’m not sure how you guys feel, but this makes Mother Teresa kind of a baddie??? Like ok, go off babe??? Sadly, that’s the only interesting example of an exorcism I could find during my 35 second internet search. I just wish like…IDK…OJ Simpson…or like…Greta Thunberg could have had exorcisms performed on them???
Anyways, to get back on track…WE. NEED. MORE. EXORCISMS. during SPOOKY SEASON! IDK how, and IDK who…but we need to make it happen. Imagine coming home from work and your dad is just performing an exorcism on your little brother for fun? Now THAT’S something I could get on board with! Oh, your boyfriend accidentally kicked you in his sleep? Would you say he’s “extremely agitated in [his] sleep” like…IDK…Mother Teresa? ONE EXORCISM…COMING RIGHT UP! 👨🏼🍳
This is my best idea if I’m being honest.
Blumpkins
As I’ve mentioned, a “SPOOKY” or “GOOD” or “SUCCESSFUL” spooky season is very hard to quantify. But…ummmm…have you guys ever been given a BLUMPKIN???? Because, TO ME, a blumpkin is sort of the crème de la crème of something utterly “SPOOKY”…and “GOOD”!
For those of you that are blissfully unaware of what a blumpkin is, here is the definition from (again) a very credible and legitimate source, Urban Dictionary:
BLUMPKIN: When you are taking a shit while receiving a blowjob
E.g., She gave me a Blumpkin while I had diarrhea.
It goes without saying that this is…fucking gross…BUT!!!! very spooky, right!? AND if we’re on a mission to make things AS SPOOKY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE, blumpkins really turn up the heat🔥😫. I know, I know—I’m not happy about it either, trust me. But if you’re all as dedicated as I am to making spooky season ACTUALLY spooky, you wouldn’t hesitate to pull out those knee pads and get to work on your s/o this October. And who knows, maybe you’ll even enjoy it!?
Horny Costumes On The TL
WARNING!!!!! The pictures you are about to see are…incredibly weird…
When spooky season (and Halloween) roll around, I swear the kinkiest MF’s of all TIME come out of the trenches??? I would say I’m not one to JUDGE…but I am absolutely am. (We kink shame at Yeah Right, sorry). So fucking weird, man! Then again, I am practically giving myself a blumpkin just thinking about these photos—they are…full-on embracing the spirit of spooky season??? How can I hate! Like…if I saw these people in public, I would be scared for my fuckin’ life! Imagine sexy Ghostface tries to grind on you at the club? That’s terrifying! But again, I can’t be mad because these people are bringing spookiness into their everyday lives, even if that means being a little weird in the bedroom…and on the TL.
To make things easy: find your s/o (or get one first) and flick up for some sexy horror pics on the TL during spooky season. If that doesn't say “spooky season”, IDK what does! Like… if y’all REALLY fuck with spooky season…you wouldn’t be afraid to ask your “dom daddy” to flick up for some spooky pics while he’s in Mike Myers mode…
Monsters…
Some of the oldest tales related to scary shit/spooky shit/Halloween have to do with ghouls, goblins, monsters, demons, and ghosts…right? Well, here is the thing: I have never encountered one of these things (?) in my entire LIFE! And that…is precisely why we need to hire a world-class scientist—preferably Bill Nye—to create some of the world’s most terrifying fictional creatures. Spooky season, in my eyes, should make everyone HORRIFIED at the possibility of leaving their homes. If you’re not literally scared for your life, what is the point?
Releasing a myriad of monsters into the public would be the best way to 1. control the population, and 2. scare the living shit out of everyone. Imagine trying to go to 7-11 for a pack of cigarettes and a Vampire just bites your dick off?! Nobody wants that, right? Or maybe you’re trying to take out the trash and a ghost just throat fucks you with Oxygen? That’s terrifying! Or what if you go to rake some leaves and Frankenstein just eats your ass? Soooooo SPOOKY! You get my point. I just think our biggest threat during spooky season should be scary-ass fictional beings, you know?
REAL Haunted Houses!!!!!
Sure, haunted houses can be scary. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, they’re really just for babies because you know that 99.9% of the time nothing bad will happen to you—unless you have a terrible heart condition or extreme anxiety. To change this I’m thinking: we make haunted houses REAL! I want the death toll to be in the THOUSANDS by the end of spooky season. Imagine going into a haunted house and…IDK…losing a leg?! That’s pretty fuckin’ spooky, man! Now, obviously, people won’t be leaving their houses in droves or anything to die in a haunted house. But, again, if people are really all about spooky season like they say they are, they would be more than willing to lose a limb…or DIE…for the sake of experiencing some true spooky shit!!!
I could probably go on forever with shitty suggestions, but I think we’ve gotten spooky enough. Perhaps my suggestions could make “Spooky Season” a special time—not just another month in the calendar. Then again, I probably lost the plot like…2 suggestions in. My bad!
xoxo
J.O.
I (Jared) am also the editor of this post, sadly.