DISCLAIMER: This post HEAVILY endorses smoking cigarettes so…uhhhh…if you’re not old enough to buy cigarettes…IDFK??? Close your eyes????
Hello, friends! It’s been a WHILE! Anddddd you mayyyyyy be wondering why I haven’t written anything in like…3 weeks??? Well, here is my EXCUSE: Sorry! My Prada was at the cleaners! Along with my hoodie and my 'fuck you' flip-flops, you pretentious douchebags! 😤🤬😤🤬
OK…I’m SORRY. That was BAD!…
But…uhhh…I guess you could say I had writer’s block (???) — which is basically like erectile dysfunction for…um…“writers” like myself. And UNFORTUNATELY, Viagra doesn’t seem to cure writer’s block…yet. 🥵😬😖
NOW…WHERE WERE WE…
OKAY…SO…LIKE…a month ago I want to say (???) I was scrolling down my IG feed, as one does, and I stumbled across another one of Dua Lipa’s WORLD FAMOUS photo dumps — aka Dua Dumps™ OR…a Dua Dump™, whichever works. (I just coined this term, so cut me some slack 🥺). It’s not my fault that Dua is the QUEEN of the “photo dump”!!!! Anyways, even though I have thoughtlessly scrolled through EVERY. SINGLE. Dua Dump™ in EXISTENCE, something about this particular…dump…felt different???????? 🤔🤔🤔🤔
And…ummm…I don’t want to jump the gun here, but you guys might have to start calling me a psychic or some shit because not ONE, but TWO (!!!) photos in this specific Dua Dump™ REALLY stood out to me—
“its a london thing”, according to Dua.
LITERALLY incredible! 🥵🤩💅
NOW…you may be wondering WHAT makes these two photos sooOoOooo special. Well, don’t worry, to MOST people these photos literally mean NOTHING. LIKE…OK? She’s smoking cigarettes??? WHO FUCKING CARES! I mean…TRUE…BUT (!!!) as the unofficial LEADER of the “SMOKING IS COOL” movement, this is a very big deal for me. Not only does Dua look cool as fuck here, but somehow…she looks HOTTER than ever??? Who knew THE Dua Lipa could get EVEN hotter??? Literally so wild. ANYWAYS…as much as I would love to swoon over Ms. Dua for WEEKS on end, I can’t help but think:
🔥🔥🔥 Is smoking ONLY COOL if you’re HOT??? 🔥🔥🔥
Absolutely. 1000%…YES! And if you REALLY think about it, almost NOTHING is cool if you’re ugly??? But that would make for a VERY SHORT post, so let’s dive in…
For LIKE…IDK…6 MONTHS (???) now, I have paraded around town telling EVERYONE I know that I think smoking cigarettes is cool as FUCK! HOWEVER (!!!), after lobbying on the side of cigarettes for MONTHS ON END, I have come to the realization that the ONLY people that ACTUALLY make smoking look cool are, objectively speaking, SEXY ASS MFs! I mean…just look at James Dean and Kate Moss here—
HOT and COOL, right??? 🤤🤤🤤
SO…this got me thinking: WHAT makes smoking COOL in the first place? Well…uhhhh, for a while at least, I THOUGHT smoking was cool because you’re basically choosing to put your long-term health ON THE LINE for the SMALL CHANCE that you’ll be seen as a cool ass MF. LIKE…nobody picks up smoking because they think it’s UNCOOL — it’s almost ALWAYS about looking cool! BUT (!!!), as I said before, I failed to account for the fact that even if you ARE willing to make the ULTIMATE SACRIFICE (shitty long-term health for possible coolness), it might not even matter if you’re an ugly ass bitch???? 🙄🙄🙄
LIKE…for James Dean and Kate Moss, this sacrifice MORE than worked out in their favour — James was basically America’s poster boy until he got his shit rocked in a car crash, and Kate was more or less the most in-demand model on the planet for a VERY LONG time. And if anything, their individual successes just prove that this whole trading-your-long-term-health-for-being-cool thing doesn’t work the same for EVERYONE. How???? Well…these unconventionally attractive people can do WHATEVER they want and still look hot AND COOL on some real “PRETTY PRIVILEGE” type shit. I mean…they can basically smoke as MUCH as they want with practically zero consequences! 😮💨
SORRY BUT…this graphic seems to ONLY apply to ummm…uggos???
For example, if you’re ALREADY hot, you can find ways around shitty skin and teeth — you’ve still got a LOT to work with. But if you’re ugly, you’re basically swimming upstream from day ONE! And becoming UGLIER in the pursuit of being seen as cool??? VERY uncool shit if you ask me!
AND this leads me to another question: Are people seen as LESS attractive because they smoke? In short: Maybe. But I want to see what Big Science™ has to say…
According to Big Science™…smoking cigarettes can negatively influence how other people perceive a person’s attractiveness, likeability, cleanliness, and health.
I mean…I was…kinda right??? I guess??? IDK??? Either way, do I fully believe this is the case 100% of the time? Absolutely NOT! 😠
SEE, if this is FULLY true in practice, that would imply that people found PEAK Kate Moss LESS attractive because she was blasting mad cigs??? I…I…I don’t believe that for a SINGLE MINUTE! Ms. Kate was practically eating cigarettes for breakfast, lunch, AND dinner and still managed to be the hottest woman alive??? There is just NO WAY this is 100% true! So uhhhh…once again, I have proven Big Science™ WRONG! 💅💅
BUT NOW…I have another question (!!!) that needs ANSWERS: Who can we blame for this LIE??? This…FALSE (???) idea that even if you are an uggo™, you will be cool ANDDDD HOT as fuck if you start smoking some yummy cancer sticks??? WEELLLLLL, it’s hard to point the finger at just ONE person in this scenario. (I do love a good scapegoat if I’m being honest). However, perhaps we can find SOMETHING…or SOMEONE…to blame it on. 😑😑😑
When it comes down to this “LIE” I speak of (you know, the one that you’ll be both hot and cool if you start smoking?), I think we can kindaaaa blame…IDK (???)…DOCTORS? I mean, these MFs were A-OK slapping their name on a cigarette ad for who fucking knows, $2.50 in 1965??? And IDK about you guys, but if my doctor told me to “Give [my] throat a vacation”, I would be opening up wide for his…recommended cigarette.
BUT…it turns out that getting a DOCTOR’S STAMP OF APPROVAL wasn’t the *PERFECT* method to get people hooked on some delicious cigs for the sake of looking “cool and fuckable” by their peers. SO…what did Big Tobacco™ and the (M)AD MEN™ do to fix this? They brought in the BIG DAWG, aka the “Marlboro Man” — who was basically this MF (see below) just posted up on a horse smoking a cig. Pretty boring…but it worked because people are stupid!
“You’re trying to tell me my wife will think I’m a JOHN WAYNE lookalike if I start smoking cigarettes? SIGN ME TF UP, CHIEF!”
BUUUUUT…AGAIN…as effective as the Marlboro Man was, it got pretty stale — at least in my eyes. LIKE…that was kind of their whole thing??? Literally ONE good idea, LMAO! Maybe Marlboro should’ve hired Don Draper aka Ronald McDonald to think up some new ads???? 🤪🤪🤪
Anyways, even though Marlboro found GREAT success with their John Wayne lookalike strategy, I still think one brand stands ABOVE the rest in this scenario — CAMEL! See, when it comes to *vintage* cigarette advertising, CAMEL — in my mind — is at the tippy top. Not only did they take the Marlboro man approach to appeal to the old boneheads who couldn’t bear their manhood being called into question, but they also brought in a little sex appeal, too — you know, to make these dudes think they were going to fuck mad chicks! 🍆🥖🐥
And (!!!) to build on this idea of basically being the COOLEST and MOST FUCKABLE guy in the room, CAMEL brought in their own BIG DAWG (or should I say BIG CAMEL) — aka JOE CAMEL. To make things easy for you guys, Joe Camel was basically CAMEL’s way of tricking dudes into thinking they should inhale carbon monoxide DAILY to be on their James Bond shit. Andddddd...it WORKED! SO that’s cool at least! ✅✅✅
But somehow, that’s not even the best part! CAMEL was able to trick these SAME DUDES into idolizing a fictional camel that looks like a penis. I mean…just take one look at my man Joe’s face — he looks like a cock! And honestly, the more I think about it, the more I realize that Joe Camel was basically the saviour for uggos EVERYWHERE. LIKE...if you were convinced this penis-looking camel got mad chicks, you probably thought you could too…
ALSOOOOOOOO…something that I found VERY interesting is that there are SIGNIFICANTLY fewer ads targeted at women from this era. (It was the 60s…give or take…so I really shouldn’t be that surprised). BUT (!!!) the KEY difference with these ads (see below) is that they aren’t all about acquiring a romantic interest or reaffirming someone’s sense of “manhood”…or “womanhood” in this case. In fact, the women in these ads literally just LOOK hot and cool — which, if anything, makes them far more effective??? LIKE…the…Marlboro Woman (???) on the right??? Bad AF! So…uhhh…in short: Women didn’t need a dick-shaped camel to tell them they could look hot and cool smoking cigarettes…
(I know these COULD be targeted at men, but stick with me here…)
SADLY, in the early 2000s, pretty much every form of cigarette advertising had become banned — or at least regulated enough it became boring and basically useless. And as a marketing man myself, that really pisses me off. The government took away the ONLY thing that made my marketing degree cool! And for WHAT??? Because a few MFs got lung cancer??? Boohoo! (This is satire if you can’t tell). LIKE…can you IMAGINE how SHITTY Mad Men would’ve been if they weren’t trying to trick people into smoking cigarettes every other episode??? (I have only watched 3 episodes of Mad Men btw). Yikes! Don Draper would’ve been washing cars if he was born like…5 (???) decades later! 😶🌫️😶🌫️😶🌫️
Just LOOK at this 2021 cigarette ad from American Spirit (see below). SO USELESS! No dick-shaped camels, no doctors, no cowboys, buuuuuuut…100% ADDITIVE-FREE NATURAL TOBACCO, BABY!
IN CONCLUSION…BLAME = THOSE DON DRAPER MFs aka “(M)AD MEN”, Big Tobacco™, and dudes with self-image issues.
*thick, ASMR cough* x4
*Jared clears his throat…again…*
“NEXTTTTTTTTTT!'“
MOVIES
Back in…you know…THE GOOD OL’ DAYS, MOVIES & TV were the primary form of visual media. I know that may surprise some people, but I promise you that your grandparents weren’t jacking off to TikToks every other night. Instead, they were jacking off to Noir films, like REAL INTELLECTUALS. BUT…all jokes aside, movies & tv dominating people’s eye sockets basically set up the perfect storm for movie stars to be the biggest fucking celebrities in the WORLD — right behind a few dictators, of course. ANYWAYS, when a big movie star did some shit in a movie, or even in the public eye, people took notice. These MFs had an INSANE amount of PULL — they said jump, and everyone said how fucking high Captain Jack 😫😫😫😫!!!!!
Two of the OG “Cigfluencers”
LIKE…I am 99% POSITIVE some people saw Uma Thurman blasting cigs in Pulp Fiction and decided to go out and buy a pack BECAUSEEEE…not only did she look HOT…BUT she looked COOL while blasting those bad BOYS!
Thankfully, unlike cigarette advertising, it doesn't seem like smoking in movies is going anywhere soon. So (!!!), the very idea that movie stars themselves (or their on-screen characters) could influence smoking patterns in the past…and in the present…is very much so alive. I mean…if Uma didn’t convince someone 20 years ago, perhaps Leo could encourage you to (stop climate change) pick up a cigarette today—
I fucking hate Quentin Tarantino, btw. (If anyone is wondering why I used 2 of his movies as an example). Dude is a massive bozo.
IN CONCLUSION…BLAME = Quentin Tarantino (???) and hot movie stars for looking cool in (and out) of character.
And DON’T forget — this shit is really just the tip of the iceberg. This photo alone could’ve been 1000 words by itself…
MOVING ON…
OKAY…NOW that we have covered what makes smoking cool, why hot people are immune to the negative side of smoking and found some scapegoats related to why uggos think they can look hot and cool while smoking, I think we can, to some extent, agree that smoking is ONLY cool if you’re hot…I hope??? (If you’re not convinced…I don’t blame you. I have sorta lost the plot here if I’m being honest with myself).
But with that said, I feel like I have left out perhaps one of the biggest questions of them all: What makes someone HOT? 🔥🔥🔥
Well…I think there are a few ways to go about this. FIRST, we must acknowledge the fact that there are UGLY people on this planet. And if you can accept that, this gets MUCH easier. I don’t subscribe to this “it’s what’s on the INSIDE that matters” BS. People BUY books because of the cover, OK! SECOND, we must acknowledge that there are hundreds of THOUSANDS of conventionally attractive people out and about EVERY. SINGLE. DAY! And somehow, a large majority of these hotties HAPPEN to be celebs? Weird, right? Anyways, THIRD…we must acknowledge that being hot is (mostly) a MINDSET — it’s all about confidence at the end of the day. LIKE…even if you’re a mid-tier looker…like a Seth Rogen type…you can ascend to the hot tier with some confidence and a good haircut. I mean…confidence + good haircut + cheeky cigarette on hand??? You’re basically unstoppable! BUT (!!!) if you’re a certified uggo…none of these things can help you — you’re basically just FUCKED! Anddddd LASTLY, I think it’s important to acknowledge that EVERYONE's taste is different. I may think Kate Moss is hot, and you might think she’s the Blair Witch…and that is OK! But even if we have different tastes, we can still acknowledge that, on an individual level, people you find UGLY make smoking look UNCOOL, and people you find HOT make smoking look COOL! (OH, and if you don’t find smoking attractive on a HOT PERSON…you’re probably just a cop, sorry).
Does all of this make sense??? Maybe (probably not). But who KNOWS! I can barely keep track of this dumpster fire that is this post and I am the one writing this SHIT! HOWEVER, and this is a big HOWEVER, to make things easy for you guys, I have created TWO formulas to sum everything up in a nice pretty package…
Smoking² + Hot² = Cool²
AND…
Smoking² + Ugly² = NOT Cool²
So…ummm…WITHOUT FURTHER ADO…we are going to move on to the FINAL section of today’s post:
🔥😍🔥HOT PEOPLE KEEPING THE ART OF SMOKING & BEING COOL ALIVE 🔥😍🔥
Lily-Rose Depp 😫
I am a simple man. If you give me a HOT, French actress/model/nepotism child smoking a *tasteful* extendo cig in some Chanel, I am LEGALLY obligated to fall in love with her!!! AND can you REALLY blame me here!?! Lily is just THAT hot! Anyways, I’m not too sure how often Lily is lighting it up these days, but either way, I would probably throw her on this list EVEN if this is the only cigarette she has ever smoked in her entire life. HOT AND COOL — IT’S THAT SIMPLE.
Anya Taylor-Joy 😮💨
Anya has done a LOT of SHIT this past year! But somehow (???), this is still the coolest thing she managed to do ALL YEAR. And if I love anything slightly more than a HOT, French actress/model/nepotism child, it’s a HOT, British actress/model/nepotism child (I don’t think she is one…but whatever)!!! And…uhhhh…like I mentioned earlier…CONFIDENCE! Anya is EXUDING confidence here seeing as though she isn’t trying to hide the fact that her vices are iced coffee, spicy cigs, and her iPhone. I truly hope she NEVER quits because this picture is burned into my brain like the pythagorean theorem…
Dua Lipa 🥰
Dua — we’re on a first-name basis — could probably do anything and I would get on board with it. Horse tranquillizers? Heroin? Mountain Dew enemas? Doesn’t matter — I’m in. But if there is anything I know she LOVES…it’s a cheeky cig. And can we blame her? She looks SO COOL and SO HOT doing it (as we have discussed). LIKE…if I was an impressionable young lad and I saw this at IDK(???)…14??? I would be heading to the closest 7-Eleven and saying, “I’ll have what Dua’s having”. Truly inspiring from one of the “avengers of hot girls”.
I have NO idea how recent this photo is, but the Olsen twins have been blasting darts since…IDK…WW2? These two hotties are fucking VETERANS of the cigarette game and it would’ve been a crime if I didn’t include them in this list. But, despite their HEAVY smoking habits, their NATURAL beauty doesn't seem to be fazed quite yet by their apparent physical need to chain smoke every MF day! And being able to keep up a lung cancer-level smoking pace while maintaining that level of beauty is not to be ignored.
Ben Affleck 😷
If literally ANYTHING good came out of this pandemic, it’s this picture. The fact that Big Ben does not seem to care enough to remove his mask while smoking is simply iconic. It’s giving HUGE divorced dad vibes, which he is — so it’s cool! And this was taken during his Ana De Armas phase, which was a fun time because, if anything, it led him back into J-Lo’s arms. I mean…I’m no genius, but no way in hell is J-Lo dating an uggo (with maybe the exception of A-Rod). So even if you don’t think Ben is sexy, J-Lo would respectfully disagree that Benny is a hottie who looks cool blasting cigs.
BONUS: Ben is a DOUBLE DIPPER in the inhalation game! Even though he’s been caught vaping every now and then (which is lame), he makes up for it with his extensive smoking history…
Bella Hadid 🤩
Similar to Lily-Rose, I’m not sure how much Bella is sparking it up these days. But she’s also hit that level of “if she’s smoked even JUST one cigarette in her life, she’s still making this list”. And Bella is girlbossing dangerously close to Kate Moss’ former title of “the hottest woman alive” these days, so I HAD to include her on this list. Maybe I just have a thing for supermodels??? Or do I just have a crush on Bella Hadid??? Who knows! Either way, there is no denying that Bella is probably the hottest person on this list. So…uhhh…if you want to TRY and reach Bella’s level, pick up a cig and get your day started to be less hot and less cool than her in every single way possible.
BONUS: Like Big Ben, Bella is a DOUBLE DIPPER! Even though she “quit” Juuling in 2019 as a part of her New Year’s resolution, I don’t believe that she’s given up the Juul (or the cig) for good. It should also be said that Juuling is MUCH hotter than vaping, especially when your name is Bella Hadid.
“If homegirl is coming thru with a vape, it's quiet. But if homegirl is coming thru with a fresh pack of CIGS (OR A JUUL), then homegirl is gonna like...get it”
“2019 resolution — quit Juuling! So far so good!” - Bella Hadid, 2019
Lana Del Rey 🙄
I REALLY didn’t want to put Lana on this list because she’s…well…a narc now, but I can’t exclude her just because of her questionable dating history. LIKE…lord (or Lorde???) KNOWS how many teenagers picked up smoking in 2013 because of Lana! Like…WOW! And honestly, the more I think about it, the more Lana makes smoking cool in like an OLD Hollywood way???? So that’s SUPER HOT! Anyways, there is NO question that she was one of the coolest smokers around when the internet was all but a baby in 2013.
Alexa Demie 🤑
Like pretty much every woman on this list, I OF COURSE have a crush on Ms. Demie. She’s just a BADDIE, what can I say! Although, I’m unsure if she even smokes because this photo was used in an editorial piece, so this very well could be a waste of a spot. But whatever, Alexa is too hot and cool to leave off this list. Punch me in the face, RESPECTFULLY, ALEXA!!!!
Dakota Johnson 🤑
While this photo was pre-Ellen-takedown, Rita Ora is speaking nothing but FACTS here — Dakota IS sex on legs. Like Lily-Rose, Dakota is a child of nepotism…BUT SHE’S HOT, so it’s okay! And when you combine those two things, it basically makes you a superhero. And thank GOD she used her powers to make Ellen look like the most annoying MF ever — which she is. And the fact that she’s blasting this shit in the Met Gala (???) bathroom? Next level iconic.
Brad Pitt 🤑
FINALLY, the LAST ONE!!!. And who better to end things off with than Brad MF Pitt! SO…UHHH…from what I have gathered, Bradley has been smoking for MOST of his adult life. BUT…fortunately for Brad, this hasn’t impacted his looks ONE BIT. LIKE…OK…he may not shower or take care of himself as much as we’d like him to, but if the name of the game for Brad is smoking for self-care, I don’t see why not.
And as a bonus to end off this not-so-great list, here is a photo of Brad that shouldn’t be cool, but it still is because he was (at one point) the sexiest man ALIVE (I think???? Actually…IDK???)
I hope this all made sense. It probably didn’t…but I tried! And that’s all that matters at the end of the day. I sincerely hope you hotties pick up cigarettes sooner than later because the opportunity to be hot is TICKING for most of us! See you soon…
Great post!